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Book .. , A 5 - H-3u5l$ 

Copyright N°._ 

COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT. 























OUTWITTING THE WEASELS 

AND 

NEW-FANGLED NOTIONS 











OUTWITTING the WEASELS 

AND 

NEW-FANGLED NOTIONS 

TWO PLAYS FOR CHILDREN. 

BY 

HELEN HARRINGTON 

ADAPTED FROM STORIES BY 

CLARA D. PIERSON 



NEW YORK 

E. P. DUTTON & COMPANY 

681 Fifth Avenue 

Hi 



Copyright, 1924 
By E. P. Dutton & Company 


All Rights Reserved 


7/\U/i 

Msfa 


CAUTION 

The right to act or produce these plays 
or any part of either of them is fully 
protected by copyright, and any viola¬ 
tions will be prosecuted. Applications 
for right to produce Outwitting the 
JV easels and New Fangled Notions 
must be made to E. P. Dutton & 
Company, 681 Fifth Avenue, New York 
City. 

Act of March 4, 1909: Section 28 
“That any person who wilfully or for 
profit shall infringe any copyright se¬ 
cured by this act, or who shall know¬ 
ingly and wilfully aid or abet such in¬ 
fringement shall be deemed guilty of a 
misdemeanor, and upon conviction there¬ 
of shall be punished by imprisonment 
for not exceeding one year, or by a fine 
of not less than $100 nor more than 
$1,000, or both, in the discretion of the 
Court/' 


« A 
e«i«> 

V* 

PRINTED IN THE UNITED 
STATES OF AMERICA 


JUN 13 1924 


©C1A792807 

uc | 




CONTENTS 

PAGE 

Practical Suggestions for Producing. 3 

Outwitting the Weasels . 11 

New-fangled Notions . 75 














PRACTICAL SUGGESTIONS FOR 
PRODUCING 








PRACTICAL SUGGESTIONS FOR 
PRODUCING 


Costumes 

Complete costumes for the characters in these 
plays may be obtained from any theatrical costumer. 

In the case of amateur production, where it is de¬ 
sirable for the players to make their own costumes, 
the following suggestions are offered: 

Heads, masks, caps, etc., to represent the charac¬ 
ters may be obtained from The Bankograph Co., 
Inc., 65 West 37th Street, New York, N. Y. 

Detailed description of color, markings, etc., for 
costumes for New Fangled Notions may be found 
in any poultry book, which would be obtainable in 
local libraries. Detailed description for costumes 
for Outwitting the Weasels may be found in the lit¬ 
tle Reed Bird Guides, entitled “Land Birds East of 
the Rockies,” and published by Doubleday, Page & 
Co. The Audubon Society recommends these books 
for the faithful portrayal of bird colors. 

For permission to use the instructions for cos¬ 
tumes and the accompanying diagram, the author 
is indebted to Mr. Ernest Harold Baynes, of the 
Meriden Bird Club. 


3 


4 


Practical Suggestions 



Diagram of a costume such as was used by those 
who participated as birds in the finale of the bird- 
masque “Sanctuary,” by Percy MacKaye. Designed 
by Miss Ruth Tate, 252 Humphrey Avenue, Greens¬ 
boro, N. C. The costume here represented is for 
the Baltimore Oriole, the colors yellow and black 
being used. 














Practical Suggestions 


5 


Instructions 

Measure material as follows. From upper line 
of shoulders, or outstretched arms, to ankles; then 
double, fold coming at top of costume. 

Cut in middle of this fold at top, round place for 
neck. 

The dotted lines represent the square piece of 
material before “wings” are shaped. 

Cutting material out from notches of “feathers” 
makes costume more effective. 

The neck feathers may be indicated by the use of 
separate pieces of material (black) cut in points as 
illustrated and laid on the yellow material. With 
costumes for other birds this method may be used 
if the bird has a brightly colored breast, a terra¬ 
cotta red or brown gray material for the robin, etc. 

A cap with a beak-like visor may be used when it 
is not desired to procure “heads.” 

Stage Terms 

C.—Center 
R.—Right 
L.—Left 
U.L.—Up Left 
U.R.—Up Right 
Down R.—Down Right 
Down L.—Down Left 

R.l E.—Right First Entrance 

R.2 E.—Right Second Entrance 

R.U.E.—Right Upper Entrance 




6 


Practical Suggestions 


L.U.E.—Left Upper Entrance 
L.2 E.—Left Second Entrance 
L.l E.—Left First Entrance 
Down—Toward the Audience 
Up—Toward Back of Stage 
Left—Left of Actor as he faces the Audience 
Right—Right of Actor as he faces the Audience 




Practical Suggestions 7 


Back Curtain Woodland Scene 



Diagram of Stage for Outwitting the Weasels 


Back Curtain Country Scene 



























































































































































































































































































* 








OUTWITTING THE WEASELS 


CAST OF CHARACTERS 


All the characters in this play, with the exception 
of the Bird Lovers, are Birds and Weasels. 

Mrs. Quail 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

Mr. Quail (Bob White) 

Mr. Ovenbird 
Mr. Oriole 
Mr. Woodpecker 
Mr. Robin 
Mr. Blue Grosbeak 
Mr. Meadowlark 
Mr. Purple Finch 
Mr. Scarlet Tanager 
Fuzzy Sides 
Blue Beak 
Some Black Birds 
Extra Birds 

Mr. Weasel 
Mrs. Weasel 
Wizzy Weasel 
Weezy Weasel 
Lizzie Wizzy Weasel 
First Weasel 
Second Weasel 
Some Bird Lovers 
A Herald 


10 


OUTWITTING THE WEASELS 


ACT I. 

Scene: At the Home of the Ovenbird. The 
hack drop is a woodland scene . Wood wings at 
sides. Where such scenery is not available green 
boughs and branches may be banked at back and 
sides of stage to represent a woodland scene. 

At center of stage at back is the Ovenbird’s nest . 

Overture music, “Pop Goes the Weasel.” 

When the curtain rises the stage is dark, and 
through the darkness is heard the occasional “peep¬ 
ing” of a bird. Gradually the light comes on, and 
turns to amber as of sunrise. One by one the birds 
break into full song. This off stage work may be 
done by the children who have been rehearsed to use 
bird-song tin whistles. One by one the birds seem 
to trail off until the stage is silent, and only an 
occasional song is heard afar off. Mrs. Ovenbird 
is in her nest, but is not at first seen by the audience. 

Mrs. Quail 
(Off stage at R.U.E.) 

Bob White! Bob White! Bob White! 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

{Putting her head out of the nest) 

Who calls? 


11 


12 Outwitting the Weasels 


Mrs. Quail 

Your neighbor. 


Mrs. Ovenbird 

But I have many neighbors. What is your name? 

Mrs. Quail 

I am Mrs. Quail—sometimes called Bob White. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 
(Stepping out of her nest) 

Why of course. How stupid of me not to recognize 

your song. Do come in. 

Mrs. Quail 
(Entering R.U.E.) 

I hope I’m not disturbing you. 

{In looking at each other and speaking, they 
use one eye at a time, and move about with 
pretty little hops, to suggest the movements of 
birds .) 


Mrs. Ovenbird 
Oh, no, I’m glad to see you. 

Mrs. Quail 

We are all out of insects at our house, and I came 
over to see if I could borrow one from you for a day 
or two. 




Outwitting the Weasels 


13 


Mrs. Ovenbird 

Yes, indeed. Mr. Ovenbird just brought in a fresh 
supply this morning. 

(Pointing toward the entrance from which 
Mrs. Quail has just come) 

There’s a nice fat one right under that lower right 
hand branch. Take him along with you when you 
go. 

Mrs. Quail 

Thank you so much. I wouldn’t bother you, but 
Mr. Quail is so busy building. You know we’ve 
taken a place just a little way from here. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

I’m glad to hear it. We must see each other often. 
Mrs. Quail 

Yes indeed. There are so few families left who still 
build their nests on the ground that we should not 
lose track of each other. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

(After taking a few little hops on the ground) 
Mrs. Quail. 

Mrs. Quail 
Yes, Mrs. Ovenbird? 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

Do you ever feel nervous on the ground—I mean, 
when Mr. Quail is away? 




14 Outwitting the Weasels 


Mrs. Quail 

Why no, I think it is much safer on the ground than 
on a bough. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

But I get nervous, as I sit here on the nest all day 
long, and thoughts come to me. 

Mrs. Quail 

You should get out more. You are growing melan¬ 
choly. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

I can’t stay away from the eggs, or they’ll get cold. 
Besides, I’m not self reliant, like you. I don’t know 
what I’d do in case of danger. 

Mrs. Quail 

Can’t you trail your wing? 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

What? 

Mrs. Quail 

Whenever I hear anybody coming near my nest I 
just trail my wing like this— 

(She circles around the stage, trailing one wing) 

Then, if it’s anyone who intends to harm us, he fol¬ 
lows me as he thinks I’m wounded and easy to catch, 
and all of a sudden, when I have lured him away 
from my nest, I fly off, and leave him wondering. 




Outwitting the Weasels 


15 


Mrs. Ovenbird 

I never seem to be able to do practical things like 
that. I’m afraid I’m too much of a dreamer. 

Mrs. Quail 

Well, I suppose some of us must be practical, and 
some must dream and think and learn. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

Dear me, I’m forgetting the eggs. Just come and 
look. 

Mrs. Quail 

{As she comes to the door of the nest) 

Well, well, well: One, two, three, four, five, six. I 
hope you’ll bring every one of them through safely. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

These are anxious days for me. You see Mr. Oven- 
bird is kept so busy gathering insects. He’s such a 
good provider. 

Mrs. Quail 

That’s a very good trait in a husband. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 
Oh, we’re a very happy couple. 

{There is, a crackling sound heard outside • 
Both birds start.) 

Didn’t you think you heard something? 




16 Outwitting the Weasels 


Mrs. Quail 

Yes, I thought I heard a footstep. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

I wish Mr. Ovenbird would come. I’m growing 
nervous. 

Mrs. Quail 
(Trying to reassure her) 

It may have been just the wind. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 
{Half whispering) 

I’m terrified. 

Mrs. Quail 

What makes you so nervous? 

Mrs. Ovenbird 
{In a tone filled with fear) 

There is a terrible family who live not far from 
here, and I don’t feel safe. 

Mrs. Quail 
What is their name? 

Mrs. Ovenbird 
{Coming out more strongly) 

Weasels! 

(Mrs. Quail starts, and nearly tumbles back 
on her tail.) 

I see you have heard of them before. 




Outwitting the Weasels 


17 


Mrs. Quail 

(Shaking her feathers and composing herself) 
Yes, I have. They’ve got a bad reputation. 

(Again they are startled by an apparent noise 
in the thicket. Mrs. Quail runs and hides in 
the branches at R. 2nd E. and Mrs. Oven- 
bird re-enters the nest silently. As the birds 
disappear f the Weasel runs swiftly across the 
stage from R. 1st E. to L. 1st E., his tail flying 
in the air. After a moment Mrs. Quail comes 
out from under cover.) 

What a fright that did give me. 


Mrs. Ovenbird 
(Putting her head out of nest) 
What was it? 

Mrs. Quail 

You won’t be nervous if I tell you? 


Mrs. Ovenbird 


I promise. 

Mrs. Quail 

Well—it was a weasel. Are you nervous? 


Mrs. Ovenbird 
(. Weakly) 

Oh—oh—no—that doesn’t make me nervous—not 
one bit. 




18 Outwitting the Weasels 


Mrs. Quail 

I feel a little nervous myself. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

I wish we had never followed the custom of building 
our nests on the ground. 

Mrs. Quail 

One of the things I don’t like about it, is we always 
have to wear such plain clothes—such dark, service¬ 
able colors. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

Yes—I sometimes long for brighter colors too. 

Mrs. Quail 

Oh, I think you are beautiful—but I am just a plain, 
dowdy little thing. Look at me. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

But you’re a kind neighbor and a good friend. 

Mrs. Quail 

But I wish I could sing, really beautifully—my song 
is monotonous. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

Why, no it isn’t—but I do wish that we could both 
have all our heart’s desire—to build our nests on 
some high swaying branch, to have gay colored 
dresses, and to sing all day long, without a care. 




Outwitting the Weasels 


19 


Mr. Oriole 
{At L, 2nd E.) 

Water! Water! 

(Mrs. Ovenbird has come out of the nest,) 

Mrs. Ovenbird 
What’s the matter? 

Mr. Oriole 

I’m wounded. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 
Oh, poor thing. Come right in. 

(Mr. Oriole comes in, pathetically trailing 
one wing,) 

How did it happen? 

Mr. Oriole 

I was swinging on a bough. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 
Yes—I was just saying— 

Mr. Oriole 

I was so happy, and I was singing, oh, how I was 
singing. 

(Mrs. Ovenbird and Mrs. Quail exchange 
glances, as they are reminded of their recent 
conversation.) 




20 


Outwitting the Weasels 


Mrs. Quail 

How wonderful it must be to sing like that. 

Mr. Oriole 

It seemed to me I never felt so happy. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 
And who hurt you ? 

Mr. Oriole 
A boy with a slingshot. 

Mrs. Quail 

How could he see you when you were up so high? 
Mr. Oriole 

He saw my bright colored dress— 

Mrs. Quail 

Oh, I see—It’s the bright dress they want. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

It seems that a bird isn’t safe anywhere— either on 
a bough or on the ground. 

( Sympathetically) 

I wish I had something for you to eat— but Mr. 
Ovenbird hasn’t come home, and I’m all out of 
insects. 




Outwitting the Weasels 


21 


Mrs. Quail 

Give him that one you told me I could have. I 
really don’t need it as much as he does. I’ll go 
and get it. 

(She starts for R. U. E.) 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

You’ll feel better after you have had some nourish¬ 
ment. 

Mr. Oriole 

How kind you are. 

Mrs. Quail 
( Returning ) 

The insect isn’t there. It must have been stolen. 
Mrs. Ovenbird 

Or it may have crawled off. I’ll see if I can find it. 
{She goes off R.U.E. and Mrs. Quail moves 
toward Mr. Oriole.) 

Mr. Oriole 

I don’t think I could eat it. All I want is a little 
water. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 
{Re-entering) 

No, that sweet insect is gone. 

Mrs. Quail 

I thought I saw a caterpillar out there the other 
day. Wouldn’t it do? 




22 Outwitting the Weasels 


Mrs. Ovenbird 

Oh, that caterpillar has been gone for over a week. 
Mr. Oriole 

(With all the life he can summon) 
Caterpillars! Ladies—I never touch them—but 
where, oh where can I get some water. 

Mrs. Quail 

(Pointing with her fingers bent like a claw) 

Do you see that red house there? 

Mr. Oriole 

My eyes are growing dim—but I think I can see it. 
Are there any boys there? 

Mrs. Quail 

Yes, but they do not kill birds. They love them. 
They have set out a drinking fountain, just for 
birds. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 
( Piously) 

Heaven will bless them. 

Mr. Oriole 

Ah, that’s good news—I feel rather dusty. 

{He starts } but cannot move.) 

Alas, I cannot fly. 




Outwitting the Weasels 


23 


Mrs. Ovenbird 
(Wiping away a tear) 

Poor thing. 

Mrs. Quail 
Come, I will help you. 

(They go off R. 2nd E. Mrs. Ovenbird 
watches them off sympathetically. There is 
heard outside a “tap-tap-tapping.”) 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

Who’s there? 

Mr. Woodpecker 
( Outside , at L. 1st E.) 

Mr. Woodpecker. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 
Oh, come in, Mr. Woodpecker. 

(He enters.) 

I am surprised to see you here at this time of day. 
You are usually so busy. 

Mr. Woodpecker 
Yes, ma’am. I am usually busy. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 
What are you doing just now? 

Mr. Woodpecker 

I’ve agreed to pick all the insects off that orchard 
up there on the hill-side. 




24 


Outwitting the Weasels 


Mrs. Ovenbird 

All by yourself? 

Mr. Woodpecker 

Oh, no, of course my family and neighbors will 
help me. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 
How is your family? 

Mr. Woodpecker 

They are all well, thank you. How is yours? 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

They’ll be here soon. Just look, isn’t that a pretty 
sight—? 

Mr. Woodpecker 

{As he comes to the door of the nest and looks in) 

It is indeed, ma’am. You must take good care of 
them. 

{While they are looking into the nest, another 
Weasel glides across the stage from L. ist E . 
to R. ist E.) 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

Yes, indeed. 

Mr. Woodpecker 

To tell you the truth, Mrs. Ovenbird—that’s why I 
came. I came to warn you about something, ma’am. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 
You look so serious. What is it? 




Outwitting the Weasels 25 


Mr. Woodpecker 

Weasels. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 
( Jumping) 

Oh, that awful name. I am terrified whenever I 
hear it. 

Mr. Woodpecker 

And well you might. They are a bad lot, ma’am, a 
bad lot. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 
What are they up to now? 

Mr. Woodpecker 

.1 suppose you’ve heard about poor Mr. Oriole? 
Mrs. Ovenbird 

Yes—poor fellow—he just went by here with a 
broken wing. 

Mr. Woodpecker 

Well, the Weasels know about that, and they’re on 
his trail. They know he can’t fly with that broken 
wing. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 
(Frozen with terror ) 

And he has just passed by here! 

Mr. Woodpecker 

That’s why I came to warn you. Keep in doors and 
remain very quiet. These are dangerous times— 
dangerous times, ma’am. 




26 Outwitting the Weasels 


Mrs. Ovenbird 

Oh, thank you for warning me, Mr. Woodpecker. 
Mr. Woodpecker 

I know I’ve got a bad reputation, ma’am, and many 
a time I’ve done what I oughtn’t to do. But I try 
to do a good turn once in a while. 

(He exits L. ist E. As he does so, Mrs. 
Quail re-enters R . 2nd E. She is trailing one 
wing, and enters hurriedly.) 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

Why, Mrs. Quail, what’s the matter? 

Mrs. Quail 

Oh, I’ve had such a fright—oh, how my heart is 
beating. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

What was it? 

Mrs. Quail 

I took Mr. Oriole to the drinking fountain, and on 
my way back, who should I see just ahead of me but 
the Weasel! 

Mrs. Ovenbird 
What shall we do ? 

Mrs. Quail 
We must get under cover. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

But I’m so hungry. Mr. Ovenbird has been gone all 
morning, and I haven’t had anything to eat. 




Outwitting the Weasels 27 


Mrs. Quail 

I’m hungry too. We’ll have to get some grass seeds 
and insects—just enough to stay us—and then we 
must keep quiet for a while. 

(Mrs. Ovenbird starts toward R. 2nd E. 
Mrs. Quail stops her.) 

No, there might be weasels there. Come this way 
with me. 

(They both go off R.U.E.) 

Bob White 
(Off stage at L.JJ.E.) 

Bob White! Bob White! 

Mr. Ovenbird 
(Off stage at R. 1st E.) 

Teacher! Teacher! Teacher! 

(They both enter simultaneously.) 

Bob White 
Mr. Ovenbird, how do you do? 

Mr. Ovenbird 
Bob White! How do you do? 

Bob White 

I was looking for my wife. Have you seen her 
anywhere about? 

Mr. Ovenbird 

No, I haven’t. I’m anxious about my wife too. I’ve 




28 


Outwitting the Weasels 


been gone all morning, and I’m afraid she’s with¬ 
out food. 

{He goes and looks in the nest.) 

Just as I supposed. She has had to go in search of 
food for herself. 

Bob White 

Does she ever scold you when you fail to bring food? 
Mr. Ovenbird 

Never. When she hears what I’ve been through 
this morning, I know she’ll be sorry. 

Bob White 

What have you been through? 

Mr. Ovenbird 

I’ve had an awful morning, and that’s why I’ve had 
to come home empty handed. 

Bob White 

Tell me about it. 

Mr. Ovenbird 

Just where the insects were thickest and sweetest, I 
had to keep dodging a boy with a sling-shot. 

Bob White 

You don’t say so. 

Mr. Ovenbird 

Yes, and I’ve just heard that Mr. Oriole had been 
wounded. 




Outwitting the Weasels 29 


Bob White 

Yes, I’ve heard about it too. Poor fellow. Will he 
recover? 

Mr. Ovenbird 

I think so. The last I heard of him he was at the 
drinking fountain. Some water will revive him. 

Bob White 

There hasn’t been much rain of late. 

Mr. Ovenbird 

That’s true, but someone surely will remember to 
fill the fountain. 

(The Blue Grosbeak enters R. 2nd E.) 

Mr. Blue Grosbeak 

I am looking either for Mrs. Quail or for Mrs. 
Ovenbird. Can you tell me if they live anywhere 
about here ? 

Mr. Ovenbird 

Mrs. Ovenbird is not at home just this moment, but 
I am Mr. Ovenbird. 

Bob White 

And I am Mr. Quail, or Bob White, as I am fami¬ 
liarly called. 

Mr. Blue Grosbeak 
I am the bearer of sad tidings. 

Mr. Ovenbird 


Tell us what it is. 




30 


Outwitting the Weasels 


Mr. Blue Grosbeak 
Mr. Oriole is dead. 


Mr. Ovenbird and Bob White 

What? 

Mr. Blue Grosbeak 

Dead. 

Mr. Ovenbird 

I thought he had reached the fountain. 


Mr. Blue Grosbeak 

So he did. But alas, it was empty. They had for¬ 
gotten to fill it. 

Bob White 

Dear, dear, dear, how sad this is. 


Mr. Blue Grosbeak 

It is indeed. It is a sad thing when a bird dies. 


Bob White 

He was such a handsome fellow, too. 


Mr. Blue Grosbeak 
That’s why they wanted him. 

Mr. Ovenbird 
When is he to be buried? 


Mr. Blue Grosbeak 

That’s another thing I wanted to speak of. The 
news has spread all through the forest, and all the 




Outwitting the Weasels 


31 


birds feel that there should be a fine funeral. Mr. 
Oriole was such a favorite. 

Mr. Ovenbird 

If I can be of any service to you, Mr. . . . may I 
ask your name? 

Mr. Blue Grosbeak 

My name is Blue Grosbeak. I live down here by 
the roadside. 

Mr. Ovenbird 

Ah, Mr. Blue Grosbeak. Can I serve you in any 
way? 

Mr. Blue Grosbeak 

Yes, it would help very much if you would consent 
to be Master of Ceremonies. 

Mr. Ovenbird 

Is a Master of Ceremonies strictly necessary at a 
bird’s funeral? 

Mr. Blue Grosbeak 

Well, not always. But this is a special case. You 
see there seems to be some question about the eti¬ 
quette of the funeral. 

Mr. Ovenbird 

Indeed? 

Mr. Blue Grosbeak 

It’s in regard to the matter of dress. All the birds 
had planned to assemble here, at your place, which 
we all know—and go in procession to the fountain, 
to take a last look at Mr. Oriole. 





32 Outwitting the Weasels 


Mr. Ovenbird 

That seems to me a beautiful idea. 

Mr. Blue Grosbeak 

But someone objected and said that none of us were 
properly dressed. 

Mr. Ovenbird 
Oh, I begin to see the point. 

Mr. Blue Grosbeak 

So they would consider it a great favor if you would 
look at them and tell them what you think about it. 
They will take whatever advise you and Mrs. Oven- 
bird will give them. 

Mr. Ovenbird 

I shall be glad to advise them. But I would rather 
not mention this death to Mrs. Ovenbird just yet— 
she is so tender-hearted. 

Bob White 

And Mrs. Quail has been very nervous of late. Per¬ 
haps it would be just as well not to disturb her 
either. 

Mr. Blue Grosbeak 
I will respect your wishes. 

Mr. Meadowlark 
(Entering L.U.E.) 

Is this where we are to meet? My name is Mr. 
Meadowlark. I am one of the mourners. 




Outwitting the Weasels 33 


Mr. Ovenbird 
{Eyeing him critically) 

I am afraid that costume will not do. That’s a 
pretty bright yellow for such a sad occasion. 

(Mr. Meadowlark reluctantly goes up R.) 

Mr. Robin 
(Entering L. 2nd E.) 

Am I all right? 

Mr. Ovenbird 
( Horrified) 

Surely you are not going to attend your own cousin’s 
funeral in that gay costume, Mr. Robin! 

Mr. Robin 

What’s the matter with it? 

Mr. Ovenbird 

It’s entirely to gaudy for a funeral dress—and for 
such a near relative too. 

Mr. Robin 
( Resignedly) 

Well, I agreed to do whatever you say. But if you 
call this gaudy, wait till you see some of the others. 
Whew! 

The Purple Finch 
{Entering L. ist E.) 

I have just overheard what you said, and it makes 
me feel very uneasy about my own dress. 







34 


Outwitting the Weasels 


Mr. Ovenbird 

I’m sorry, Mr. Purple Finch—your costume is beau¬ 
tiful, but it is not—not—ap—appropriate—for 
such a sad occasion as this. 

Mr. Blue Grosbeak 
(Looking of toward R.U.E.) 

Ah, here comes someone—oh, how beautiful! 

{All the birds turn their heads in the direction 
of R.U.E. Mr. Scarlet Tanager comes on 
with proud tread.) 

The Scarlet Tanager 

I am sorry to be late, but I had to preen my feathers, 
and it took me some little time. 

{All the birds look at him and shake their 
heads disapprovingly.) 

Mr. Ovenbird 

Mr. Scarlet Tanager—I am sorry to have to dis¬ 
appoint one so beautiful—but you are not properly 
dressed for this funeral . . . too gay, altogether 
too gay. 

Mr. Scarlet Tanager 
But I have black wings. 

Mr. Ovenbird 

They only make you all the more striking—and 
always at a funeral you must be quietly dressed. 




Outwitting the Weasels 35 


Mr. Scarlet Tanager 

What shall I do? 

Mr. Ovenbird 

Just step over here with the others. 

(Mr. Scarlet Tanager joins the others up L.) 

(To Mr. Blue Grosbeak) 

Tell all the birds of the forest to assemble here— 
but tell them they must not come gaily dressed. 

(Mr. Blue Grosbeck exits R.U.E.) 

Bob White 

I have a suggestion that may solve the problem. 
Mr. Ovenbird 

And what is that? 

Bob White 

We will wait until the others come. If there are 
any amongst them who are dressed quietly enough 
to attend the funeral, we will permit them to attend, 
but if they are too gaily dressed, we must have some 
special mourners. 

(From R.U.E. there now enter other birds, all 
gorgeously attired, each one outdoing the 
other. Mr. Ovenbird is in dismay. When 
they are all ranged at the back of the stage , 
forming a long row, Mr. Ovenbird speaks.) 

Mr. Ovenbird 

Now, Mr. Bob White, we will have your suggestion. 






36 Outwitting the Weasels 


Bob White 

{As though making a speech) 

Fellow songsters—since you have been so kind as 
to come, we feel that it would not be entirely right 
to deny you the privilege of paying your last respects 
to poor Mr. Oriole. 

Mr. Ovenbird 

That’s true, but what can we do? These costumes 
are shocking for a funeral. 

Bob White 

Wait! In my travels this morning I came upon 
a company of friends whom I met last year. I should 
like to have them lead the procession, and the others 
may follow at a respectful distance. 

Mr. Ovenbird 

What is the name of your friends? 

Bob White 

Blackbirds. 

Mr. Ovenbird 
Blackbirds? Oh, I see. 

Bob White 

They are professional mourners, and are ready at 
all times to attend funerals. 




Outwitting the Weasels 


37 


Mr. Ovenbird 

Have they heard about Mr. Oriole’s death? 

Bob White 

Of course—the news has spread everywhere. 

(A great twittering is heard outside. Bob 
White turns toward L. ist E. Two Blackbirds 
enter.) 

Ah, here you are. You have come just in time. Will 

you chant us a dirge for our dead comrade, Mr. 

Oriole, who was ruthlessly killed? 

(The two leaders are at L. ist E. and as they 
start across the stage from L. to R. singing the 
following dirge, they are followed by other 
Blackbirds who take up the strain off stage, 
then fall in line behind them. As the last of 
the Blackbirds reach about center of stage, the 
brightly colored birds fall into line behind 
them, swelling the chorus at the second verse . 
The dirge is by Sir Walter Scott.) 

He is gone on the mountain, 

He is lost to the forest, 

Like a summer dried fountain, 

When our need was the sorest. 

(All the birds together in a wailing chant) 

Like the dew on the mountain, 

Like the foam on the river, 

Like the bubble on the fountain, 

He is gone and forever. 

(Still chanting, they pass off stage, and as they 
do so, a Weasel is seen to enter glidingly from 





38 


Outwitting the Weasels 


L.U.E., and regard them with great interest . 
The stage darkens, and as the curtain falls, 
nothing but two glowing eyes can be seen 
through the darkness.) 


End of Act I 




ACT II 


Scene: At the Weasel's Den. The stage is set 
exactly as in the first act except that the Ovenbird's 
nest has been drawn off, and there is a round aper¬ 
ture or “hole" at back through which the Weasels 
go and come. A bit of shrubbery may be changed 
here and there to give the place the illusion of being 
a different part of the woods. 

Mr. Weasel and Mrs. Weasel are discovered. 
Mr. Weasel is lying down.) 

Mr. Weasel 

( Yawning, as he stirs himself) 

Heigh-ho. 

(He strokes his long moustache.) 

Mrs. Weasel 

Hush, you’ll wake the children. 

Mr. Weasel 

It’s time for them to wake up. It will soon be dark. 
Mrs. Weasel 

But they’re very tired, especially Weezy and Wizzy. 
Mr. Weasel 

Why should they be tired? They’ve never done one 
good night’s work in their lives. 

Mrs. Weasel 

Well, you know they’re growing very fast. 

39 


40 Outwitting the Weasels 


Mr. Weasel 
I haven’t noticed it. 

Mrs. Weasel 

Of course you haven’t. It takes a mother’s eye to 
notice things. 

Mr. Weasel 

Well, I wish they’d hurry up and help to earn the 
living. This is a pretty big family for one weasel to 
support. 

Mrs. Weasel 

Wizzy and Weezy are doing all they can. You 
must remember they are young. 

Mr. Weasel 

(Becoming a bit disagreeable) 

I tell you, madam, you are always making excuses 
for your two good-for-nothing sons. 

Mrs. Weasel 
(A bit nettled herself) 

Wizzy and Weezy have been out every night this 
moon looking for bird’s nests. 

Mr. Weasel 
( Brightening) 

Birds’ nests! 

(Rubbing his paws) 

Those are two fine sons of mine. 




Outwitting the Weasels 41 


Mrs. Weasel 

Oh—I thought they were mine. 

Mr. Weasel 

Well, it’s all the same. What’s yours is mine. Rout 
them out. 

Mrs. Weasel 
No, let them sleep a while longer. 

Mr. Weasel 
You’re spoiling them. 

Mrs. Weasel 

Well, to tell you the truth, it isn’t all motherly love. 
Mr. Weasel 

What is it? 

Mrs. Weasel 

Shh! You can go out when you please, but I must 
stay at home. How would you like to have five 
babies getting under your feet and hanging on to 
you with twenty paws, and sometimes even scratch¬ 
ing you with a hundred claws? 

Mr. Weasel 

Whew! Have they got that many claws? 

Mrs. Weasel 

Yes—but I don’t mind it except when I’m tired. 

(There is a great scrimmage heard inside the 
hole, and the following speeches are heard 
from off stage at back.) 




42 


Outwitting the Weasels 


WlZZY 

You don’t know what I know. 


I do, too. 
You don’t. 


Weezy 

Wizzy 

Weezy 


I do. 


Wizzy 

You’re afraid in the daylight. 


Weezy 

You’re a liar. 

Wizzy 

You’re another. 

Lizzy Wizzy 
{In a shrill voice) 
I’ll tell Mother you’re fighting. 


Wizzy 

Shut up. 

Lizzy Wizzy 

Shut up yourself. 

{All the other Weasels of stage add to the 
confusion ad lih.) 

Mrs. Weasel 

Children! CHILDREN! Stop that this minute. 
(Lizzy Wizzy comes out of the hole y hitting 
hack as she comes.) 






Outwitting the Weasels 


43 


Mrs. Weasel 

Lizzy Wizzy, what are they fighting about? 


Nothing. 


Lizzy Wizzy 


Mrs. Weasel 

That’s what everybody fights about. 


Wizzy 

(Coming out of the hole) 
Lizzy Wizzy, you’re a liar. 


Lizzy Wizzy 
Wizzy, you’re another. 

Mr. Weasel 

Lizzy Wizzy, you must not speak to Wizzy like 
that. Wizzy, you behave yourself. 

(Mr. Weasel takes Wizzy by the ear and 
leads him down stage. All the Weasels come 
out one by one. There are five in all. Weezy 
is the last to come, and as he arrives, Wizzy 
breaks away from Mr. Weasel.) 


Wizzy 

There’s Weezy. Now I’ll get you. 

(Wizzy and Weezy “spar off” preliminary to 
boxing, while all the little Weasels keep up the 
excitement with the following shouts.) 




44 Outwitting the Weasels 


First Weasel 
Goody! Goody! Goody! 

Second Weasel 
Give it to him Wizzy. 

First Weasel 

(Who takes the opposite side of the stage) 
Look out, Weezy, he’ll get you. 

Second Weasel 
Bully for you, Wizzy. 

First Weasel 
Dodge it, Weezy, dodge it. 

Second Weasel 
(To the First Weasel) 

You shut up, or I’ll get you. 

Mrs. Weasel 

Children, children! What language! Stop it this 
minute! 

(They subside.) 

Mr. Weasel 

I declare, I don’t know what this younger generation 
is coming to. 

Mrs. Weasel 
(. Relenting) 

Oh, don’t be too hard on them. 




Outwitting the Weasels 


45 


Mr. Weasel 

When I was a young fellow we never thought of 
acting like this before our parents. It’s outrageous, 
that’s what it is. It’s outrageous. Huh! Huh! 
Huh! 

(Working himself up into a great rage, and 
with much shaking of his tail, he marches off 
R. U. E. as the “children,” rather crestfallen 
and subdued, stand and watch him.) 

Mrs. Weasel 

(As Mr. Weasel is going out) 

I don’t see what you’re so cross about. I think 
they’re all very well behaved children. 

(To the children) 

Now, darlings, come and tell me all about it. 


Wizzy 


(Coming toward his Mother) 

Last night I had an awful adventure. 

(This is spoken in a tone intended to inspire 
awe.) 

Weezy 


So did I. 


(Breaking in) 
Wizzy 


My adventure was awfuller than your adventure. 




46 Outwitting the Weasels 


Weezy 

Huh! No such thing. 

(Seeing that hostilities are about to break out 
again f Mrs. Weasel speaks.) 

Mrs. Weasel 

Let each one tell his story, and I’ll decide. Now 
Wizzy, you tell me what happened last night—and 
Weezy, you keep quiet till Wizzy has finished. 

Weezy 

Yes’m. 

(He continues, however y to throw glances of 
fire at Wizzy.) 

Wizzy 

Well, I was taking a walk last night by myself— 
Weezy 

So was I. 

Mrs. Weasel 

Weezy, be quiet. 

Weezy 

Yes’m. 

Mrs. Weasel 

Go on, Wizzy. 

Wizzy 

(Romantically) 

The moonlight was beautiful—a gentle breeze was 
stirring, wafting to my nostrils the perfume of the 
flowers— 




Outwitting the Weasels 


47 


Weezy 

Huh—all you cared for the smell of flowers— 
WlZZY 

All the world was bathed in silvery moonlight—and 
it was moonlight—moonlight—moonlight—every¬ 
where it was moonlight. 

Weezy 

Ah, cut that. 

Mrs. Weasel 
(To Weezy) 

Shh! 

{To Wizzy) 

Go on, Wizzy, it’s beautiful. It reminds me of 
when I was young. 

Wizzy 

I was filled with a strange longing. 

Weezy 

I know what you were after—you were longing for 
eggs. 

Mrs. Weasel 

Don’t pay any attention to him, Wizzy, I find this 
very interesting. 

Wizzy 

Suddenly—I scented—an ovenbird’s nest. 

All The Weasels 
Ah, how heavenly. 




48 Outwitting the Weasels 


Children! 


Mrs. Weasel 
Wizzy 


I approached the door—cautiously. 

(They all show keen interest .) 

I wanted that Ovenbird and her nest. In another 
moment the prize would have been mine—when 
suddenly—I was attacked by a huge monster. 


Mrs. Weasel 

(In which she is joined by all the little Weazels) 
A bear? 

Wizzy 

Yes. A bear. 

(They all cover their faces with their paws.) 

A great, big bear. 

Lizzy Wizzy 
And did he eat you up? 


All The Little Weasels 
(Quick to realize Lizzy Wizzy's absurd remark) 
Ha, ha, ha, how could he? He’s here. 

(Lizzy Wizzy withdraws, abashed.) 


Mrs. Weasel 
Weren’t you frightened? 


Wizzy 


Frightened? Not I. 




Outwitting the Weasels 


49 


Weezy 

Oh, no, you weren’t—huh! 

Wizzy 

(Ignoring him) 

I showed fight. 

Mrs. Weasel 
And did you kill him? 

Wizzy 

(Nodding in the affirmative) 

I left him for dead. 

{At this point Weezy starts across the stage 
toward the hole } and one by one the WEASELS 
observe that he is limping.) 

Mrs. Weasel 
Why, Weezy, what’s the matter? 

Weezy 

Oh, nothing. 

Mrs. Weasel 
But you are limping. 

Weezy 

Well, no wonder. If you only knew what I killed 
last night. 

{The attention now all centers around Weezy.) 

Mrs. Weasel 
What did you kill? 





50 Outwitting the Weasels 


Weezy 

Oh, never mind. You’re all just crazy about Wizzy. 
Mrs. Weasel 

Come, darling, and tell Mother. 

All The Little Weasels 
Please tell us, Weezy. 

Mrs. Weasel 

What did you kill. 

Weezy 

{Now that he is sure of full attention) 

Well, it was something awful. It had claws and 
jaws. 

Lizzy Wizzy 

A bear? 

Weezy 

( Contemptuously) 

Huh! Anybody could kill a bear. I kill a bear 
nearly every night. 


Mrs. Weasel 
And what do you do with them? 

Weezy 

Oh, I just toss them aside. I don’t care for the 
taste of them. What I killed last night was much 
more terrible than a bear. 




Outwitting the Weasels 


51 


Mrs. Weasel 
What do you think it was ? 

Weezy 

{In an awe-inspiring tone) 

I think it must have been a kangaroo. 

Mrs. Weasel 

(Mr. Weasel enters. His mood is entirely 
changed.) 

Mr. Weasel 

Ah, great news—great news! 

Mrs. Weasel 

What is it? 

Mr. Weasel 

I was taking a walk—just making a little investi¬ 
gation—not far from here, and I came upon the 
strangest scene my eyes ever beheld. 

Mrs. Weasel 
Do tell us what it was. 

Mr. Weasel 

A bird’s funeral. Birds, birds, birds of every de¬ 
scription—black birds, red birds, blue birds, yellow 
birds—and not far away, I saw a boy with a sling¬ 
shot. What does that mean? Come now, which 
boy can tell me what that means?— 




52 Outwitting the Weasels 


Weezy 

That means good hunting. 


Mr. Weasel 

Correct. Wherever you see a boy with a sling-shot 
—shortly thereafter you will find birds with broken 
wings—he seldom finds them all—and what he 
doesn’t get—we get. 

Wizzy 

But father, what was this investigation you were 
making? 

Mr. Weasel 


(In fine fettle to Wizzy) 

Come here. For some time I’ve had my eye on an 
Ovenbird’s nest. 


Where is it? 


Wizzy 

Mr. Weasel 


Ah, that’s the question. I’ll tell you this much. Go 
straight ahead till you pass four trees, three rotten 
logs, five hazelnut bushes, and a swamp— 


Yes. 

And it isn’t there. 


Wizzy 
( Eagerly) 

Mr. Weasel 
Wizzy 


All right, I’ll find it. 

(He starts off R. ist E.) 





Outwitting the Weasels 


53 


Weezy 

Ha ha. That was a good joke. But you’ll tell me, 
won’t you? 

Mr. Weasel 
{To Weezy) 

Come here. Keep along the edge of the meadow till 
you come to the weasel trap—then you turn to the 
left—and keep straight on, and it isn’t there. 


All right. 


Weezy 

{He starts off L. 1st E.) 


Mr. Weasel 

{To the Weasels that remain) 

Now then, am I not a good papa? Do I not train 
you how to get your living? 

All The Little Weasels 

Yes, yes. 

Mr. Weasel 

All right, then. Off you go, for there is good hunt¬ 
ing. Take whatever you like, but don’t get caught. 
Pop! 

{At this all the little Weasels start off hastily 
toward the different entrances, as the curtain 
goes down to the music of “Pop Goes the 
Weasel.”) 


End of Act II 




ACT III 


Scene : Same as Act I. A few days later. Mrs. 
Ovenbird comes out of her nest. By cocking her 
head first on one side and then on the other she 
makes observations. 


Mrs. Ovenbird 

Come, children, it’s time for your lesson. 

First Little Bird 
{Inside the nest) 

I’m sleepy. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

Oh, no, you’ve been awake and playing. 


Second Little Bird 


I’m tired. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 
Tired, after resting all night? 


Third Little Bird 

I’m hungry. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

You’ve just had your breakfast. Come. 


Fourth Little Oven Bird 
I don’t want to learn to fly. 

54 


Outwitting the Weasels 55 


Mrs. Ovenbird 

At last we have the truth. Just think, if you try, in a 
little while you will be able to go sailing off ever and 
ever so high. 

Fifth Little Bird 
I might fall down. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

That’s exactly what will happen if you don’t learn 
to fly. Besides, what would you do in case of 
danger. 

Sixth Little Bird 
Is it very hard to learn? 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

Don’t think about that. Just come out and try. 

All of Them 
All right. We’re coming. 

(Out come or “flop” the little birds, one after 
another. They are ugly, with great, broad 
bills, and are ‘very infirm on their legs. Mrs. 
Ovenbird arranges them in a semi - circle 
around her.) 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

Come now, see who can fly the highest. One, two, 
three. 

{A few wings flutter weakly, but not one bird 
can lift itself from the ground.) 




56 Outwitting the Weasels 


Mrs. Ovenbird 

Oh, you must do better than that. Come, try again. 
One, two, three. 

(T he First Little Bird flops a little distance.) 
Mrs. Ovenbird 

Splendid! See how beautifully Blue Beak is doing. 
(Blue Beak's movements are anything but 
beautiful, and no one but a proud mother could 
possibly admire them.) 


Second Little Bird 
( Crying) 

Boo-hoo! You love Blue Beak better than you love 
me. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

Why Fuzzy Sides, whatever put that into your little 
head? 


Fuzzy Sides 

You didn’t say I was beautiful. 


Mrs. Ovenbird 
You are beautiful, my darling. 

(Fuzzy Sides turns his face toward the audi- 
ence } opens his bill wide, and to the outward 
eye is anything but beautiful.) 

(Mrs. Ovenbird continues to admire him.) 

I only said Blue Beak could fly beautifully, and that’s 
because he has tried. 




Outwitting the Weasels 


57 


Fuzzy Sides 


I’ll try. 

(Fuzzy Sides tries with considerable success.) 


Mrs. Ovenbird 

Wonderful. Now then, all together. One, two, 
three—FLY! Fly away. 

(This may be done to music. The birds all 
rise, dipping up and down with wings and toes 
until they have mastered it.) 

That was a very good lesson. I’m proud of you. 
Now go back to the nest. One, two, three, Fly! 

(They rise, and with movement of wings that 
suggests flying, one by one they exit into the 
nest.) 

(Mrs. Quail enters from R.U.E. She makes 
a slight sound as she comes, which causes Mrs. 
Ovenbird to jump.) 


Mrs. Ovenbird 

Oh, it’s you, Mrs. Quail. I thought it might be 
weasels. 

Mrs. Quail 
Oh, isn’t it terrible. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 
Shh—don’t let the children hear. 

Mrs. Quail 

Haven’t you heard anything from Mr. Ovenbird 
yet? 




58 


Outwitting the Weasels 


Mrs. Ovenbird 

Not a word. Have you heard from Mr. Quail? 
Mrs. Quail 

Nothing, and I have been searching the woods for 
him everywhere. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

I don’t let the children know how anxious I am. I 
have gone right on teaching them to fly. 

Mrs. Quail 

That’s right. There is danger everywhere. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

And it’s been so lonesome—I haven’t heard a song 
for days. 

Mrs. Quail 

I just sit and mope. Oh, I wish we could hear some 
news. What can have become of them all? 

Mr. Robin 
(Entering R. 2nd E.) 

Dreadful news! Dreadful news! 

Mrs. Quail 

Have you seen Mr. Quail? 

Mrs. Ovenbird 
Have you seen Mr. Ovenbird? 




Outwitting the Weasels 59 


Mr. Robin 

Yes. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

Why have they stayed away so long? We have been 
filled with terror. 

Mr. Robin 

And well you might. There has been a great 
disaster. 

Mrs. Ovenbird and Mrs. Quail 

O-o-o-h! 

Mr. Robin 

We were all singing a farewell chant for Mr. Oriole 
before laying him away, when suddenly we were 
attacked by weasels. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 
Weasels! Oh, how terrible. 

Mrs. Quail 

Is Mr. Quail hurt? 

Mr. Robin 

He was wounded—and so was Mr. Ovenbird, but 
they will recover. 

Mrs. Quail 

Oh how thankful we are. Go on with your story. 
Mr. Robin 

It was terrible. We were all excited, but we started 
to fly, and suddenly we became aware that someone 
was attacking us with stones. 





60 


Outwitting the Weasels 


Mrs. Ovenbird 
The boy with the sling-shot. 

Mr. Robin 

And then there were loud reports and flashes of fire 
that blinded us. 

Mrs. Quail 
The man with the gun. 

Mr. Robin 

Mr. Scarlet Tanager was the first to fall. 

Mrs. Quail 

And I used to envy his bright plumage. 

Mr. Robin 

Mr. Meadowlark was next to go. 

Mrs. Quail 

And I envied him his color and his song. 

Mrs. Quail 

You, who sing so beautifully. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 
Not always. His song never fails. 

(To Mr. Robin) 

Go on, Mr. Robin, tell us the rest. 




Outwitting the Weasels 61 


Mr. Robin 

I thought we were all to be slaughtered—when sud¬ 
denly—I heard a cry on the hill-top. 

Mrs. Ovenbird and Mrs. Quail 
( Joyously) 

The Bird Lovers. 

Mr. Robin 

Yes, the Bird Lovers. At the sight of them the Man 
with the Gun and the Boy with the Sling-shot 
sneaked away. 

Mrs. Ovenbird and Mrs. Quail 
Oh, how wonderful! 

Mr. Rorin 

Now I must go back to help the wounded. Do not 
worry any more. Mr. Ovenbird and Mr. Quail 
will soon be here. 

(He exits R. 2nd E.) 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

Oh, what a relief. Now make yourself at home, 
Mrs. Quail. We have nothing to do till they come. 

Mrs. Quail 

Mrs. Ovenbird—I wanted to ask you something— 
I am just curious. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 
And what is that, Mrs. Quail? 




62 


Outwitting the Weasels 


Mrs. Quail 

You remember the day Mr. Oriole was wounded, 
you offered me an insect. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

Yes, and when I went to find it, it was gone. 

Mrs. Quail 

Yes, swallowed, I suppose—but where did the cater¬ 
pillar go? 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

Don’t you know what becomes of caterpillars? 
Mrs. Quail 

No, I can’t say that I do. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

Then I’ll tell you the most wonderful thing—they 
turn into butterflies! 

Mrs. Quail 
Butterflies? How do you know? 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

I’ve watched them—patiently. I had been watching 
that one for days, and after you went, I found it 
again. 

Mrs. Quail 


iWhat did it do? 




Outwitting the Weasels 


63 


Mrs. Ovenbird 

First, it found a nice comfortable place under a 
twig. 

Mrs. Quail 
Yes, IVe often seen them there. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 
Then it hung itself up by the tail. 

Mrs. Quail 

Oh, mercy me! 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

Then each day it grew shorter and fatter, and then 
its skin cracked down the back, and then it changed 
some more—and then it turned into a butterfly. 

Mrs. Quail 
I can hardly believe it. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

Well then, you just watch for yourself, some time. 

Mrs. Quail 
Then where did it go? 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

When there is nobody around, it comes and flutters 
all around this place. Sh—I think it is coming now. 






64 


Outwitting the Weasels 


It is very shy, and may not come if it sees us. You 
go over there and hide, and I’ll hide here, and I 
promise you a beautiful sight. 

(They hide y Mrs. Quail at L. ist E. and Mrs. 
Ovenbird at R. ist E. Presently there flutters 
in a beautiful butterfly with iridescent wings. 
Here may be given a beautiful butterfly dance f 
possibly to Grieg y s <( Butterfly )} music. The 
Butterfly flutters off. Mrs. Quail and Mrs. 
Ovenbird come out from hiding.) 


Mrs. Quail 
How beautiful it was. 

(They hear a slight noise. They listen.) 

Mrs. Ovenbird 
She may be coming back. 


I hope so. 


Mrs. Quail 


Mrs. Ovenbird 

What if it shouldn’t be the butterfly? 


Mrs. Quail 

You go to the children. I’ll hide where I was be¬ 
fore. If it’s the Butteffly, I shall delight in it. If it 
isn’t the Butterfly, trust me to watch over you. 


Mrs. Ovenbird 

But suppose you should come to harm. 




Outwitting the Weasels 


65 


Mrs. Quail 

Never fear. I can take care of myself and you too. 
(Mrs. Ovenbird goes into the nest, and Mrs. 
Quail hides L. ist E. After an instant Wizzy 
comes on from R. 2nd E. f sniffing as he comes. 
Weezy comes from L. 2nd E. in the same man¬ 
ner. Wizzy catches sight of him, hut without 
waiting for a good look, turns tail and runs. 
Weezy himself is startled hy the sudden move¬ 
ment of Wizzy and he also runs hack . Pres¬ 
ently they re-appear cautiously and advance 
until they are near enough, then suddenly 
spring, and grab each other, then they look into 
each other*s faces.) 


Weezy! 

Wizzy! 

My brother! 


Wizzy 

Weezy 

Wizzy 

Weezy 


My brother! 

Wizzy 

Were you here last night? 


Weezy 

Yes. And it was you that bit me? 

{He walks off a few paces with a slight limp.) 




66 


Outwitting the Weasels 


WlZZY 

It was, but I thought you were a bear. 

Weezy 

And I thought you were a Kangaroo. 

(They both stand and look at each other for a 
moment.) 

WlZZY 

What did you come here for? 

Weezy 

(Pointing to Mrs. Ovenbird's nest) 

I came here to rob this house. 

WlZZY 

So did I. 

Weezy 

Let’s do it together. 

WlZZY 

You know who lives here, don’t you? 

Weezy 

Yes, those rich Ovenbirds. 

WlZZY 

I understand they are worth at least six eggs. 


Maybe more. 


Weezy 




Outwitting the Weasels 67 


Wizzy 

Shall we carry off Mrs. Ovenbird. 

Weezy 

Oh, certainly. 

Wizzy 

I wonder if she’ll show fight. 

Wizzy 

I don’t know. They’re spunky when they’re setting. 

I wish father were here. 

Weezy 

Now come. You sneak up on that side, and I'll 

sneak up on this side. You scare ’em, and I’ll grab 

Mrs. Ovenbird. Then we’ll eat the eggs together. 
(Mrs. Quail has entered as they turn their 
backs and face toward the nest. She drops 
one wing and circles around the stage. Wizzy 
and Weezy see her, and immediately lose all 
interest in the Ovenbird' s nest.) 

Wizzy 

You remember what father said? 

Weezy 

He said if you see a bird with a broken wing, follow 

her—there’s good hunting. 




68 Outwitting the Weasels 


WlZZY 

Why should we bother with a setting bird, when all 
over the woods there are birds with broken wings. 
(Mbs. Quail leads them off stage R. ist E. and 
they follow her stealthily . Mrs. Ovenbird 
comes out of the nest.) 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

Was it the butterfly? Was it the beautiful butterfly? 
Mrs. Quail, where are you? 

(Mr. Woodpecker enters hurriedly R. ist E. 
Mrs. Ovenbird jumps again, in nervousness.) 

Mr. Woodpecker 

Excuse me for not knocking—but I have a message 
for you from Mrs. Quail. 

Mrs. Quail 

Why she was here a moment ago. I was just look¬ 
ing for her. 

Mr. Woodpecker 

But in that moment, she has done a great deed. She 
managed to tell me something as she went by. She 
said take the children and fly at once. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 
Why, what has happened? 

Mr. Woodpecker 

The Weasels have been here. They came here to 
rob your house, and they would have succeeded, but 




Outwitting the Wealds 


69 


she decoyed them away. She can’t keep them long. 
They’ll be sure to come back when they know they 
can’t get her. Fly at once. 

A Little Bird 
(Inside the nest) 

I don’t want to fly. I’m sleepy. 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

I’m so glad that I didn’t spend any time in worrying 
when Mr. Ovenbird didn’t come back from the 
funeral. I went right ahead and taught my children 
to fly. Come children, you must fly at once. 

All The Little Birds 
{Inside the nest) 

Why? Why? Why? 

{They come out of the nest and form a circle 
around her.) 

Mrs. Ovenbird 

Because Mother tells you to fly, fly, fly. 

{Instantly they all lift their wrings, rise up on 
their toes, and fairly fly off R. U. E., followed 
by Mrs. Ovenbird. Mr. Woodpecker exits 
R. 2nd E. Mr. Weasel comes on from 
L. U. E. He views the Ovenbird's nest with 
great satisfaction.) 





70 Outwitting the Weasels 


Mr. Weasel 

Ah, I have long been waiting for this opportunity. 
What a feast I shall have. What a feast. It was 
clever of me to send the sons off in the wrong direc¬ 
tions. 

{He goes up cautiously and peers into the nest.) 
Those two sons of Mrs. Weasel’s must have found 
the nest after all. 

(Wizzy and Weezy enter R. ist E. Mr. 
Weasel sees them but they do not see him. It 
is evident he does not wish them to see him, so 
he hides in the Ovenbird’s nest.) 

Wizzy 

I don’t see what became of her. 

Weezy 

I don’t either. 

Wizzy 

I looked everywhere and I couldn’t find her. She 
certainly couldn’t fly with that broken wing. 

Weezy 

Then where did she go? 

Wizzy 


That’s the mystery. 




Outwitting the Weasels 


71 


Weezy 

Now let’s get back to business. 

(They sneak up stealthily together, and peer 
into the Ovenbird’s nest. At sight of their 
father they almost tumble over backward. 
Outside there is the sound of a bugle, and 
Wizzy and Weezy are startled.) 

The Father 
{From inside the nest) 

Come in quickly, and hide with me. That’s the 
bugle of the Bird Lovers. 

(Wizzy and Weezy get into the Ovenbird’s 
nest . A boy, dressed as a gorgeous little He¬ 
rald, enters, blowing his bugle. He is followed 
by a group of Bird Lovers, dressed in green. 
They group at back, while the Herald standing 
center blows his bugle, and then speaks. 


The Herald 

Listen, oh people of the earth—listen to the mes¬ 
sage of the Bird Lovers. Protect the birds; feed 
them in winter. Give them water when the streams 
are dry, and in return they will do you service that 
you dream not of—but above all, they will be beau¬ 
tiful and sing for you. 

{There is a noise inside the nest.) 




72 


Outwitting the Weasels 


The Herald 

Weasels! Bird Lovers—quick! 

(The Bird Lovers surround the nest, blocking 
up the opening. The Herald blows his bugle 
again. Instantly there is heard outside the mu¬ 
sic of the birds as in the first act. Then two or 
three birds hop on from different entrances. 
Then come Mr. Ovenbird and Bob White, 
with bandages over their eyes, and their 
<( wings” in slings. Presently the stage fills with 
birds of every description, who come hopping 
on to the music of u Pop Goes the Weasel.”) 


The End 




NEW FANGLED NOTIONS 


CAST OF CHARACTERS 


Mr. Blossom, a farmer who wears a white 
collar and patent leather shoes. 
Mrs. Blossom 
Liza Blossom, aged nine. 

The Cow 
The Horse 
The Gander 
Three Geese 

Two Ducks 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 

The White Rooster 

The Shanghai Rooster 

The Brown Rooster 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Rooster 

The Brown Hen 

The First Ancona Hen 

The Second Ancona Hen 

A Speckled Hen 

The Fawn Colored Dorking Hen 

The Gobbler 

Three Turkey Hens 


74 


NEW FANGLED NOTIONS 


ACT I 

SCENE: A Farm Yard. The hack drop repre¬ 
sents a country scene. At back is a hoard fence 
with three openings as of broken hoards y large 
enough to admit a child^s head. At L. 2nd is an en¬ 
trance supposed to he the side door of the farm¬ 
house y around which trail green vines. At R. and L. 
stand a “Cow” and a “Horse,” their heads merely 
showing above the fence. Between the hack drop 
curtain and this fence there is a space. 

Mrs. Blossom 
(Appearing at door) 

Liza! Liza! 

Liza 

(Off stage at R.U.E.) 

Y-e-s, M-o-t-h-e-r! 


Mrs. Blossom 
Supper is ready. Come, dear. 

Liza 

I don’t want any supper, Mother, dear. 

75 


76 New Fangled Notions 


Mrs. Blossom 
Liza, come at once. 

(Liza comes running on R.U.E.) 

Why didn’t you come at once when Mother called? 

Liza 

Oh, Mother, I was so busy. 

Mrs. Blossom 

What were you doing? 

Liza 

Watching the geese wag their tails. 

Mrs. Blossom 
What else were you doing? 

Liza 

I was feeding the chickens corn. 

Mrs. Blossom 

Feeding the chickens corn? Liza, Daddy doesn’t 
want those chickens to get too fat. 

Liza 

But it’s such fun to watch them trying to swallow 
everything at once. 

Mrs. Blossom 

Don’t you know that chickens should be fed scien¬ 
tifically? 




New Fangled Notions 


77 


Liza 

The farmer down the road says that’s just a new 
fangled notion. 


Mrs. Blossom 

What? 

Liza 

(Emphasizing her last remark) 

New fangled notions. He says college people don’t 
know anything about farming. 

Mrs. Blossom 

That depends on what people learn at college. You 
see Daddy has been studying all about farming, and 
that’s why we have come here to live. 

(Changing her tone) 

Now, Liza, tell me why you don’t want any supper. 
Liza 

I—I—had a piece of pie. 

Mrs. Blossom 
Who gave it to you ? 

Liza 

The farmer down the road. 

Mrs. Blossom 

Don’t you know that you mustn’t eat anything be¬ 
tween meals? 





78 


New Fangled Notions 


Liza 

That’s what I said—at first—and they all said that 
was all poppy-cock too. 

Mrs. Blossom 

Well, do you think they are wiser than Mother? 
Liza 

( Deliberating) 

As Daddy says, I have strange leanings in their di¬ 
rection. 

Mrs. Blossom 

Liza! 

Liza 

{Laughing) 

I was only teasing. 

(Mr. Blossom enters L.U.E.) 

Oh, here’s Daddy. 


Mr. Blossom 

Well, I think we’re going to be very happy in our 
new home, but we’ll have to work hard. 

Liza 

Daddy, do you know what the farmer’s hired man 
says about you ? 

Mr. Blossom 
No, I’d like to hear. 




New Fangled Notions 


79 


Liza 

(Coming toward her father and emphasizing 
each word by patting on either cheek) 

He says you don’t know anythink about horses, or 
cows, or ducks, or geese, or chickens, or turkeys. 

Mr. Blossom 

(Answering back in the same playful mood) 
You don’t say so! 

Liza 

I do. And he says the family you bought this place 
from lived here for generations,—the man’s father 
lived here, and his grandfather lived here, and his 
great grandfather before him. 

Mr. Blossom 

Well, do you know what I think? 

Liza 

What? 

Mr. Blossom 

I think that he, and his father and his grandfather, 
and his great grandfather left a great many things 
unlearned. 


Mrs. Blossom 

How do you find things about the place, dear? 




80 New Fangled Notions 


Mr. Blossom 

Everything is in much worse condition than I real¬ 
ized when I bought the place. 

(He takes a poultry bulletin out of his pocket.) 
Eve been studying this poultry bulletin, and I find 
that the hen-houses here are’ all wrong—nothing 
scientifically done. 

Liza 

Daddy, do you know what the farmer’s hired man 
says about poultry bulletins? 

Mr. Blossom 
No, what does he say? 

Liza 

He says they’re not worth the paper they’re printed 
on. 

Mr. Blossom 

He seems to be a great philosopher. 

Liza 

And he says you just wait till you come face to face 
with the Shanghai Rooster, and the Brown Hen, 
and the White Rooster, and the Gander and the 
Gobbler—you’ll wish you were back in the city 
where you belong. 

Mr. Blossom 

Does he say that? 

(Liza nods.) 

Well, it begins to look as though we were going to 
have some fun. 




New Fangled Notions 


81 


Liza 

What doing? 

Mr. Blossom 

Oh, tearing everything apart and building it up 
again. 

Liza 

But, Daddy—are you sure—remember the man 
lived here all his life—and his father lived here all 
his life, and his grand— 

Mr. Blossom 

Yes—and not one thing has been changed about the 
place. 

Liza 

So everything must have been all right—eh, Daddy? 
Mr. Blossom 

No, my dear. A great many things are all wrong. 
Without change and improvement we never make 
any progress. 

Mrs. Blossom 

What are you planning to do? 

Mr. Blossom 

I’m going to make sweeping changes. I’m going to 
tear down all those miserable old hen-sheds and 
build new, scientific ones, I’m going to build nests 
for the turkey-hens and cage up the Gobbler. I’m 




82 


New Fangled Notions 


going to have an incubator for hatching chickens, 
and— 

(Looking around) 

I’m not going to have that horse and cow standing 
so close to the door—they attract flies. 


Liza 

(Putting her hand to her stomach) 
Oh, Mother. 

Mrs. Blossom 


What is it, Liza. 


Liza 


I—feel—queer—in my—my tummie. 


Mrs. Blossom 

Ah ha! That comes from eating pie. 


Mr. Blossom 
Liza, who gave you pie? 


Liza 

Those people down the road. 

(They go into the house. After they go off, 
there is silence for a moment, and then The 
Horse gives a long snort.) 

The Cow 

{As she slowly turns her head toward The 
Horse) 

Did you hear what they said? 




New Fangled Notions 


83 


The Horse 
I heard every word of it. 

The Cow 

What do you think of it? 

The Horse 
I confess I am greatly perplexed. 


So am I. 


The Cow 


The Horse 

I suppose he’ll have an automobile. 


The Cow 

I suppose so. So he won’t let us stay here because 
we attract flies. 

The Horse 

And think of changing me—I—I who have always 
been ready to gallop for the doctor every time there 
has ever been sickness in that house. 


The Cow 

I’ve never heard of anything like it. I’ve stood here 
all my life, and so did my mother, and my grand¬ 
mother and my great grandmother before me. 

The Horse 

And so have I. And so has my father, and my 
grandfather, and my great grandfather before me. 




84 


New Fangled Notions 


The Gander 

(Putting his head through an aperture in the 
fence at C .) 

So he is going to make sweeping changes, is he? 

A Goose 

(Putting its head through another aperture in 
the fence at L. of C.) 

He’s certainly different from any man I’ve ever seen 
before. 


The Gander 

I wonder what those shiny things are that he wears 
around his feet. 

Another Goose 

(Putting her head through another aperture 
in the fence at R. of C.) 

And what is that stiff white thing he wears around 
his neck? 

The Gander 

I don’t know. I hope he isn’t stupid. I can’t bear 
stupid people. 

The Geese 
(All together ) 

Neither can we. We can’t bear stupid people. 
(They stretch their necks around, goose-fashion.) 





New Fangled Notions 85 


The White Rooster 
(Appearing on top of fence C .) 
Cock-a-doodle do! What I want to know is —what 
is an incubator? 

{He flaps his wings. The effort upsets his bal¬ 
ance, and he hops back again. The Barred 
Plymouth Rock Hen enters cautiously from 
R. 2ndE., lifts one foot, turns her head from 
side to side, and goes toward the closed door 
of the farm-house, observing it with much in¬ 
terest. The Shanghai Rooster enters 
L. U. E. The Barred Plymouth Rock 
Rooster entersR.2ndE. The Brown Rooster 
and The Brown Hen enter from R. ist E. 
Two ducks waddle on from L. ist E. and the 
White Rooster enters R. U.E. They stray 
aimlessly about the stage, some of them ventur¬ 
ing to observe the door, turning their heads 
from side to side as though looking out of one 
eye at a time. When they are in easy position 
for the following dialogue, The Brown Hen 
speaks.) 

The Brown Hen 

Well, what’s to become of us? Who are these new 
people ? 

The Brown Rooster 
They interest me greatly. 

The White Rooster 
I am filled with dark misgivings. 





86 


New Fangled Notions 


The Shanghai Rooster 
(Who is naturally rude) 

Ah, you are always expecting something sad to 
happen. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
He doesn’t eat enough gravel. 

The Shanghai Rooster 
He’s afraid it will hurt him. 

The White Rooster 
This is a sad, sad world. 

The Shanghai Rooster 
Oh, cut that. It gives me the blues. 

The Brown Hen 

He’s perfectly right. Nothing ever goes right in 
this world. 

The Brown Rooster 

I don’t like to see you getting under his influence, 
my dear. He’s a pessimist. 

(At the sound of this word all the Hens cock 
their heads.) 

The Brown Hen 
And what might that be ? 

The Shanghai Rooster 
Anybody who has bad digestion. 




New Fangled Notions 87 


The Brown Rooster 
{Ignoring him) 

A pessimist, my dear— 

(Two Ancona Hens, and one nondescript 
black and white and brown Speckled Hen 
stray on from R. 1st E. f and, as he observes 
that they are inclined to listen } he includes them 
with a sweep of his claw.) 

My dear' ladies—a pessimist is one who always 
looks for the cloud on the other side of the silver 
lining. 

The White Rooster 
{Breaking in) 

There is no such thing as a silver lining—anywhere. 

The Brown Hen 
Of course there isn’t. 

The Brown Rooster 

Well then, since I must put it in simpler terms—a 
pessimist is one who is always expecting the worst 
to happen. 

The Brown Hen 
Well, the worst has happened. 

The Brown Rooster 
What do you mean? 

The Brown Hen 

From what I have been able to gather, all our liberty 
is to be taken away. 





88 New Fangled Notions 


The Brown Rooster 
Who told you so? 

The Brown Hen 

The Gander. 

The Shanghai Rooster 
Oh, he’s a regular old gossip. 

The Brown Hen 

He’s a perfect gentleman. That’s more than I can 
say for you. 

The Brown Rooster 
(Enjoying a bit of gossip himself) 

Tell us what the Gander said. 

The Brown Hen 

He said that all our houses were to be torn down. 
All 

(Striking attitudes of horror) 

What? 

The Brown Hen 

He said we wouldn’t be allowed to roost in the trees 
any more, that we’d have to eat differently, and that 
—well, that we’d all just have to walk the goose 
step. 

The Shanghai Rooster 
That will come hard on the Gander. 




New Fangled Notions 


89 


The White Rooster 

We are all heading straight toward destruction— 
I feel it. 

All The Assembly 
Hear, hear. So do I. 

(These words are repeated by all until it 
spreads like a general alarm.) 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
(Coming forward) 

May I speak? 

All The Assembly 
Yes, yes, go on. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
I believe this change is for the best. 

The Shanghai Rooster 
Pm rather inclined to think so myself. 

The Brown Hen 
What makes you think so? 

The Shanghai Rooster 

(.Eyeing The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
sentimentally) 

Because she says so. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Rooster 

(Glaring at The Shanghai Rooster) 

G-r-r-r-r! 




90 New Fangled Notions 


The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 

Please don’t interrupt. I wish to bring a message 
of hope. As you all know, I come from one of the 
best and oldest families in America. 

The Brown Hen 

Oh, what do we care about good families. 

The Shanghai Rooster 

It wouldn’t hurt some of you if you had a little bet¬ 
ter manners. 

The Brown Hen 

Oh, too bad about you. You’re the rudest—the 
rudest—gentleman about this whole place. 

The Brown Rooster 

My dear, my dear, remember your own manners. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
(After waiting until the angry looks and intimi¬ 
dations among The Shanghai Rooster, The 
Barred Plymouth Rock Rooster and The 
Brown Hen have subsided.) 

I’ve come from a good family, and I’ve noticed that 
many things about this place are far from comfort¬ 
able—nothing at all like what I have been accus¬ 
tomed to. 

The First Ancona Hen 
She’s perfectly right. The last time I sat I was 
uncomfortable all the time because there wasn’t 
enough room for my tail. 




New Fangled Notions 91 


The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 

And there’s not enough gravel around here, there’s 
none provided for us, and you know we need that 
for digestion. 

The First Ancona Hen 

That must be what’s the matter with me. You know 
I have awful indigestion sometimes. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 

And the food we’ve been getting has not always 
been hygienic. 

{Again, at the sound of this unusual word, all 
the creatures cock their ears.) 

The Brown Hen 

Don’t pay any attention to her. I hate change. 
These are just a lot of new fangled notions. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 

You may call it what you like—but I call it prog¬ 
ress. 

The White Rooster 
{Clapping his wings for attention) 

And I predict here and now that the New Owner 
will be a complete failure. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
And I predict that he will succeed. 




92 New Fangled Notions 


The White Rooster 

Let us all meet here one week from today. If the 
Barred Plymouth Rock Hen is right, we all agree 
to stand by the New Owner; if I, the White Rooster, 
prove to be right—then the New Owner is to be 
overthrown—and I shall be cock of the walk. 

All The Fowls 

All right, all right. A week from today. A week 
from today. 

(The New Owner, Mr. Blossom, opens the 
door and comes out. The fowls all scatter and 
instantly the language changes.) 

The Hens 

Caw—caw—caw—caw—caw! Caw—caw—caw— 
caw—caw! 

The Ducks 

Quack, quack, quack! Quack quack! Quack! 

The Geese 

(Again putting their heads through the open¬ 
ings in the fence) 

Heeee! Heeeeeee! Heeeee! Quank, quank, 
quank! Quank, quank! 

(The Horse gives a snort, The Cow moos, 
and the Roosters crow.) 


End of Act I 




ACT II 


Scene: Same as Act I, except that The Cow 
and Horse are no longer there, and some potted 
plants are ranged along the fence. Red flowers have 
also blossomed on the trailing vines around the door. 
The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen is discovered, 
walking around, standing occasionally to gaze side- 
wise at the door. She comes nearer to it and stands 
gazing up, apparently in the hope that someone will 
come out. The White Rooster comes slowly on 
with his head bowed from R.U.E. Time: A week 
later. 

The White Rooster 
I knew it, I knew it. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
Oh, how you startled me. 

The White Rooster 

IPs just as I predicted. Things are going from bad 
to worse. Unless there is a great change ere roost¬ 
ing time tonight, I shall be cock of the walk. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
What’s the matter? 

The WiIite Rooster 

What’s the matter? What isn } t the matter? Every¬ 
thing about the whole place is changed. Nothing” 

93 


94 


New Fangled Notions 


is as it used to be, and the whole farm-yard is seeth¬ 
ing with unrest and discontent. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 

All they need is a little patience. Everything will 
come out all right before roosting time. 

The White Rooster 

What grounds have you for still saying so in the 
face of all this confusion? 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 

I’ve been observing this New Owner closely and he 
fills me with confidence. 

(The two Ancona Hens enter and start walk¬ 
ing across the stage from R. 1st E. to L. ist E. 
The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen and The 
White Rooster, interrupted in their own con¬ 
versation, stand and observe them.) 

The First Ancona Hen 

There’s no use talking to her. She is determined to 
do it. You can’t get her off that nest, and even a 
goose would know that those are not hen’s eggs. 

The Second Ancona Hen 

Why, of course not. They’re queer, marbly looking 
things. 

The First Ancona Hen 

I do wish we could persuade her not to waste her 
time on them. 




New Fangled Notions 95 


The White Rooster 
(Stepping forward) 

What seems to be troubling you, ladies? 

The First Ancona Hen 
( Turning) 

A friend of ours—in fact, a relative—we think, has 
lost her mind. 

The White Rooster 
What makes you think so? 

The First Ancona Hen 
She’s been acting very strangely of late. 

The White Rooster 
What has she been doing. 

The First Ancona Hen 

She found some queer, blue, marbly-looking things 
in her nest when she wanted to set, and she insists 
that they are eggs. 

The White Rooster 
She should call in expert advice. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 

Don’t worry about her. That’s all right. I saw the 
man when he put them there. It was when he first 
came, and he handled them so carefully, I know they 
must be eggs. 





96 


New Fangled Notions 


The Fawn-Colored Dorking Hen 
{Enters distractedly R.U.E.) 

Oh dear, what shall I do? What shall I do? 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
What’s the matter. 

The Fawn-Colored Dorking Hen 

My children have been gone for hours, and I can’t 
find them. Pm worried to death. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
What did you let them go for? 

The Fawn-Colored Dorking Hen 
They went without asking me. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 

Are they in the habit of doing that? I thought your 
family had the reputation of being good mothers. 

The Fawn-Colored Dorking Hen 

I’ve grown careless, I know. I never pay much 
attention to them, and they stray off whatever they 
like. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 

O—then of course you have trained them how to 
behave, so don’t worry. 




New Fangled Notions 


97 


The Fawn-Colored Dorking Hen 
Oh, I’m afraid I’ve been too indulgent. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 

The one great danger would be—but surely you have 
taught them about that. 

The Fawn-Colored Dorking Hen 

What? 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 

Surely you have taught them where they might eat 
and what they must avoid? 

The Fawn-Colored Dorking Hen 
No—I’ve never paid any attention to their diet. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
Why haven’t you ? 

The Fawn-Colored Dorking Hen 

I’ve always supposed that was all poppycock—new 
fangled notions. 

The White Rooster 
I’m filled with dark misgivings. 

The Fawn-Colored Dorking Hen 

Oh dear, what shall I do, what shall I do. I’m 
nearly di&tracted. 

(The Fawn-Colored Dorking Hen exits 

R.U.E.) 




98 New Fangled Notions 


The Brown Hen 
(Entering in a temper R. U. E.) 

I’m as mad as a wet hen! I’m all upset. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
What’s the matter? 

The Brown Hen 

I was just taking a bath in the dust down there, and 
that old automobile came along and got me all ex¬ 
cited. I nearly got run over. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
Why didn’t you get out of the way? 

The Brown Hen 

I couldn’t make up my mind which side of the road 
to go to. I’m so mad I could peck a rock in two. 

The Brown Rooster 
(Entering R. U. E.) 

Calm yourself, my dear. You know these tempers 
are bad for your nerves. 

The Brown Hen 
Oh, please don’t bother me. 

(Looking scornfully at The Plymouth Rock 
Hen) 

Some folks seem to have a great deal of faith in this 
New Owner. 




New Fangled Notions 99 


The White Rooster 

She forgets that today is the day we were to decide 
who is the greater prophet—she or I. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
You must prove to me that things are worse instead 
of better before I admit that you are the great 
prophet you think you are. 

The Brown Hen 

Listen to her talk. If she only knew what*I know. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
Pd be glad to have you enlighten me. Please tell 
me what you know. 

The Brown Hen 

You just stay here around the door all the time— 
worshipping the New Owner—so you don’t know 
what’s going on. But let me tell you this. Every¬ 
thing is upset, we can’t find our way around the 
place, and not one of us can find our nests. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
Well, don’t worry about that. The New Owner is 
building a lot of new nests, where we can have plenty 
of room for our tails, and where we can pick up our 
food without having to get off the eggs. 

The Gander 
(Entering L. U. E.) 

I think I’ve made a remarkable discovery. 




100 New Fangled Notions 


The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
Tell us what it is. 

The Gander 

If I knew what it was, my dear lady, it wouldn’t 
interest me so. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
Well—tell us what it looks like. 

The Gander 

It looks like a round, fat table. It fascinates me. 

The Brown Rooster 
(A pprehensively) 

Has it anything to do with us? 

The Gander 

That’s what I don’t know. The New Owner keeps 
looking it over, then he looks in a bulletin, then 
he looks it all over again, and seems to be planning. 

The Brown Rooster 

Where is it. 

The Gander 
(Looking toward L. U. E.) 

Right down there where the old hen shed used to be. 

The White Rooster 
I am filled with dark misgivings. 




New Fangled Notions 101 


The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
Have faith and wait. 

The Gander 

I know exactly where to find it. Come on, let’s take 
a look at it. 

All The Fowls 
(Talking all together) 

Yes, yes, let’s take a look at it. Let’s take a look at 
it. 

(Led by The Gander they all go of L. U. E. } 
The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen goes up 
L. The Shanghai Rooster enters L. ist E. 
just as The Barred Plymouth Rock 
Rooster enters R. ist E.) 

The Shanghai Rooster 
(Eyeing The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
sentimentally ) 

You could make me believe anything. 

(A jealous spark is ignited in the eye of The 
Barred Plymouth Rock Rooster, and the 
two Roosters, holding each other’s eyes raise 
and lower their heads for a minute. Then The 
Barred Plymouth Rock Rooster, appar¬ 
ently satisfied that his honor has been vindi¬ 
cated, runs off stage after the rest. The 
Shanghai Rooster lingers , and continues to 
observe The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen.) 
Why are you always so cold to me? 




102 


New Fangled Notions 


The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
Because you are so rude to everybody. 

The Shanghai Rooster 
I’m never rude to you . 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 

Yes, but if you are rude to others, you might turn 
rude to me at any time. 

The Shanghai Rooster 
I’m not as rude as the Gobbler. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
No, that’s true. 

The Shanghai Rooster 

I can’t bear that Gobbler. As a matter of fact I 
always avoid him whenever I can. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
That’s where you are wise. 

The Shanghai Rooster 
(With considerable vanity) 

Do you really consider me wise? Ah, if you only 
knew what that meant to me. 

(He struts a step or two.) 




New Fangled Notions 103 


The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
Don’t flatter yourself too much. 

(He stops.) 

It doesn’t take much wisdom to steer clear of that 
Gobbler. I think he is the rudest human being I 
have ever seen in all my life. 

The Shanghai Rooster 

As rude as I am, I am a gentleman compared with 
him. N’est-ce-pas? 

(The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen plainly 
shows by her manner that she doesn’t under¬ 
stand French, and after deliberating a moment, 
goes on with her own train of thought.) 

And he is so cruel to his children, and so unkind to 
his wives. 

The Shanghai Rooster 
How shocking. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 

It’s pathetic to see those poor turkey hens wandering 
off, trying to make their nests where he won’t find 
them and smash the eggs. 

The Shanghai Rooster 
Does he actually do that? 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
He actually does. 




104 New Fangled Notions 


The Shanghai Rooster 
The accursed villain. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
You have put it mildly. 

The Shanghai Rooster 

Though I suppose it’s his nature and you can never 
change that. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
Oh, yes, you can. 

The Shanghai Rooster 

How? 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
But putting a fence around him. 

The Shanghai Rooster 
Whose idea is that? 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 

The New Owner’s. I heard him telling his wife 
that those poor turkey hens would never again have 
to suffer the taunts and jeers of that cruel and de¬ 
testable Gobbler. 

The Shanghai Rooster 

Ah, now I begin to understand why you stand up for 
the New Owner. You admire him immensely, don’t 
you? 





New Fangled Notions 105 


The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 

Ido. 

The Shanghai Rooster 
And you always defend him, don’t you? 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
I always speak the truth as I feel it. 

The Shanghai Rooster 
How splendid you are. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
(Pleased in spite of herself) 

Oh, nonsense. 

The Shanghai Rooster 

If you knew how I adored you. You are so beauti¬ 
ful—every feather so perfectly marked—such fine 
manners—you are perfect. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
I forbid you to say another word. 

The Shanghai Rooster 
How cruel you are—tell me—is there another? 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Rooster 
(.Entering L. U. E .) 

Ah ha! So you are still here. I forbid you ever 
again to annoy this lady. 

(The two Roosters lower their heads, and 




106 New Fangled Notions 


keep raising and lowering them for some time; 
then they spring into the air and lower 
their heads again. During this encounter The 
Barred Plymouth Rock Hen strays around 
calmly, lifting her foot occasionally, or pecking 
at a flower in the fence, paying not the slightest 
attention to the angry rivals. The New Own¬ 
er appears at the door. Again the language 
changes.) 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
(Looking at the New Owner with a worship¬ 
ful eye) 

Caw-caw-caw—caw-caw! 

(The two Roosters shake themselves and 
move off stage. The Barred Plymouth 
Rock Rooster goes off R. ist E. The Barred 
Plymouth Rock Hen moves up C., and The 
Shanghai Rooster moves toward L. U. E.) 

The Shanghai Rooster 
(As lie exits, speaking to The Barred Ply¬ 
mouth Rock Hen in an undertone) 

I have discovered your secret. You are in love with 
the New Owner. He will find me a troublesome 
enemy. Adieu! 

(Three Turkey Hens come on, stepping 
with high, deliberate steps. They observe the 
Nezv Owner with some interest, and he watches 
them. They enter from 2nd and 3rd R. E. and 
cross toward L. ist E. The Gobbler comes 
from R. 2nd E. and appears to be stealthily 
following them.) 




New Fangled Notions 107 


Mr. Blossom 

You get back there, you old rascal. 

The Gobbler 
Gobble-gobble-gobble! 

Mr. Blossom 

Trying to find out where their nests are, so you can 
smash the eggs, eh? 

The Gobbler 

(JVho has also advanced toward C. while the 
Turkey Hens, stepping side-wise and rather 
uneasily, cross and exeunt L. 1st E.) 
Gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble! 

Mr. Blossom 
I’m going to lock you up. 

The Gobbler 

Gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble! 

Mr. Blossom 
That will make you behave. 

The Gobbler 
Gobble-gobble-gobble! 

Mr. Blossom 

You cranky, ill-tempered, impudent old rascal. You 




108 New Fangled Notions 


don’t like children, so you’ll have to go. Shoo! be 
off with you! 

The Gobbler 

(Retreating back toward R. 2nd entrance) 
Gobble-gobble-gobble! 


Shoo! 
Gobble! 


Mr. Blossom 
The Gobbler 
(He exits R. 2nd E.) 


Mr. Blossom 
(As he re-enters the house) 

I think I’ll get hammer and nails and start in on 
your cage right now. 

(The two Ancona Hens come running on 
from L. U. E.) 

The First Ancona Hen 
What’s all the excitement about? 


The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
(Who has been taking in the situation) 
The Gobbler sassed the New Owner. 


The First Ancona Hen 
Tell us all about it. 


The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
Well, the Gobbler was following the Turkeys, and 




New Fangled Notions 109 


you could see by the expression on his face that he 
intended to smash their eggs. 

The Hens 

The scoundrel! 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
The New Owner told him to go back. 

The First Ancona Hen 
What did the Gobbler say to that? 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
He told the man to shut up his mouth. 

The First Ancona Hen 
Oh, horrors! 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 

The New Owners told him he knew he was follow¬ 
ing the Turkey Hens to find out where their nests 
were, so he could smash the eggs, and what do you 
think the Gobbler said? 

The Hens 

What? 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
He said “You’re a liar.” 


O-o-oh! 


The Hens 




110 New Fangled Notions 


The First Ancona Hen 
It’s a wonder there wasn’t a fight then and there. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
I don’t think the New Owner understood his exact 
words. 

The First Ancona Hen 
Go on, tell us the rest of it. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
Then the New Owner told the Gobbler he was going 
to lock him up. 

The First Ancona Hen 
That must have made the Gobbler mad. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
Mad? I’d hardly like to tell you what he said. 

The First Ancona Hen 

Oh, don’t stop in the most interesting part of the 
story. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
The Gobbler let out a perfect string of abuse. I 
thought I’d have to put my wings over my ears. He 
said, “You come off, you old white-faced, chicken- 
hearted— 

The Second Ancona Hen 

(Who has not uttered a word till now, shrieks 
out) 

Chicken-hearted? He’ll pay for that insult yet. 




New Fangled Notions 111 


The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
( Continuing) 

Chicken-hearted, knock-kneed, bow-legged, whipper- 
snapper. I’ve done exactly as I’ve pleased around 
this farm all my life, and so did my father and my 
grand-father and my great-grandfather, and my 
great-great-^T£tff-grandfather before me. 

The First Ancona Hen 
What happened then? 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 

(Looking from one to the other as though the 
worst was still to come) 

The New Owner controlled his temper remarkably 
well for a human, and said, quietly, “Be off,” and 
what the Gobbler answered—ladies, I simply cannot 
tell you. 

The First Ancona Hen 

There is no need. We have heard his language 
before. 

(The White Rooster enters L. U. E.) 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 

Well, what have you found about the “fat round 
table,” as the Gander calls it. 


The White Rooster 

We have all inspected it, we have looked at it with 
one eye, and then with the other, we flew on to it, 




112 New Fangled Notions 


and off again, but none of us can make out what it 
is. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
Then I wouldn’t worry about it. 

The White Rooster 

The hour is drawing near, madame, when either 
your prediction or mine will come true—and I think 
I shall be the victor. 

The Brown Hen 

{As she enters L.U.E. followed by The 
Brown Rooster) 

The moment I saw that New Owner, I knew that 
things would go wrong. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
What has happened? 

The Brown Hen 

The Fawn-Colored Dorking Hen will tell you. 

The Fawn-Colored Dorking Hen 
{As she enters R. U. E.) 

Oh, what shall I do? I have found my long lost 
children, but there’s something the matter with 
them, and I don’t know what to do. Please tell me 
what to do for them. 

(The Two Little Chickens enter dejectedly, 
R. U. E., opening and closing their bills.) 




New Fangled Notions 113 


The White Rooster 
This looks like a sad, sad case. 

First Little Chicken 
(Just as Liza did in the first act) 

I—feel—queer—in my—my tummie. 

Second Little Chicken 

So do I. 

The Fawn-Colored Dorking Hen 
What do you think is the matter with them. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
Where have they been? 

The Fawn-Colored Dorking Hen 
At the farmer’s down the road. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
And what have they been eating? 

The Fawn-Colored Dorking Hen 
Nothing but angleworms. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
Who allowed these young chickens to eat angle- 
worms ? 

The Fawn-Colored Dorking Hen 
Why—the chickens on that farm down the road 
were eating them— 




114 New Fangled Notions 


The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 

Don’t you know that the poultry on that farm had 
the gapes? It is not safe to eat angleworms on a 
farm where the poultry have had the gapes. 

The Fawn-Colored Dorking Hen 
What happens? 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
It makes little gapeworms grow in chicken’s throats. 

The Fawn-Colored Dorking Hen 
( Uneasily ) 

It does? 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 

Yes. That’s what’s the matter with your children. 
They’ve got gapeworms in their throats. 

The Fawn-Colored Dorking Hen 
Oh, what shall I do, oh what shall I do? 

The Brown Rooster 
The gapes may be cured with horse-hair loops. 

The Brown Hen 

Yes, but there are no horse-hair loops to be had. 

(With an angry look at The Barred Plym¬ 
outh Rock Hen) 

Everything about the place has been so changed and 
cleaned up, that there isn’t a horse-hair to be found. 




New Fangled Notions 115 


The White Rooster 
So there’s no hope for them. 

(Mr. Blossom opens the door and comes out, 
followed by Liza, who is wearing a pretty red 
dress. The gapeworms continue to torment the 
little chickens.) 

Liza 

Oh, I’m so glad to be well again. I’ll never again 
eat pie between meals. 

(S he observes The Little Chickens.) 

Oh, Daddy, what’s the matter with those chickens? 

Mr. Blossom 
(Observing the Chickens) 

They’ve got gapeworms. 

Liza 

What makes it? 

Mr. Blossom 
(With a sly look at Liza) 

They’ve probably been eating pie between meals. 

Liza 

They can be cured with horse-hair loops. 

Mr. Blossom 

No, dear. That is a very old fashioned and cruel 
method. I’ll go down to the village and buy a 
preparation that I read about in the bulletin. 

(The Two Little Chickens move off 
L. U. E. followed by The Fawn-Colored 




116 


New Fangled Notions 


Dorking Hen, who is filled with concern . 
Mr. Blossom and Liza move toward R. 2nd E. 
Just at this moment The Globber comes down 
R. U.E. At sight of Liza in her red dress, 
he shows a slight tendency to rising anger. Liza 
doesn’t trust him, and slides out of his way, 
following her father. The Gobbler follows 
her, lifting his feet high as he steps.) 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 

Now, who is right? This was the day we were to 
meet here and see who was right. The New Owner 
studies and understands everything about us, and 
all we need is a little patience. 

The First Ancona Hen 
I’m beginning to believe in the New Owner. 

The Second Anacona Hen 

So am I. 

The Brown Rooster 
I’m beginning to be won over myself. 

The Second Anacona Hen 

Did you hear him say that horse-hair loops were 
cruel? 

The White Rooster 

You can’t cure chickens of the gapes without horse¬ 
hair loops. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
I believe that he will cure them. 




New Fangled Notions 117 


The Brown Hen 

Oh, you’d believe anything. You believe that those 
old, blue, marbly-loking things that the Speckled 
Hen is wasting her time on, are eggs. 

The First Ancona Hen 
I was fooled once with a couple of door knobs. 

The Second Ancona Hen 

I detest being set, anyway. I think it’s tiresome. 
I wish the Speckled Hen had better sense. And 
besides I don’t think they’re eggs. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 

If they weren’t eggs, the New Owner would never 
have put them there. 

Mr. Blossom and Liza re-enter R. 2nd E. All 
the Fowls cluster up C. in hushed awe. Mr. 
Blossom is carrying a small white box. He and 
Liza stop near entrance.) 

Mr. Blossom 

Now we’ll make them breathe in a little of this 
powder, and they’ll cough up the gapeworms which 
are lodged in their throats. 

The Speckled Hen 
(Off stage at L. ist E.) 

Come right along, children, come right along with 
Mother. 

(The Speckled Hen enters proudly at 




118 New Fangled Notions 


L. 1st E. and moves toward C., followed by a 
long line of little fuzzy ducks. As she observes 
Liza and Mr. Blossom her language changes.) 
Cluck, cluck, cluck. 

All The Little Ducks 
{As they waddle after her) 

Quack, quack, quack. Quack quack. 

(Liza and Mr. Blossom stand still and watch 
until the procession has passed off R. 1st E.) 

Mr. Blossom 

Well, bless her old heart. She’s hatched out those 
duck eggs at last. Now, let’s go and cure the little 
sick chickens. 

{They cross over and enter the house.) 

{All the fowls have been watching The 
Speckled Hen and her Ducks, in consterna¬ 
tion.) 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
{Triumphantly) 

There! What did I tell you? 

The Brown Hen 

They’re the queerest looking chickens I y ve ever seen. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
{In a motherly way) 


The darlings. 




New Fangled Notions 


119 


The Brown Hen 
I’m glad they’re not mine. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 

Poor, helpless little things. They need a mother, 
just the same as anybody else. 

The Brown Rooster 

I believe things are going to come out all right, after 

all. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
Of course things will come out all right if you will 
only believe that they will. 

The Speckled Hen 
(Off stage at R. 1st entrance) 

Help! Help! Help! 

(All on stage start in alarm) 

My children, my children! They’ll all be drowned. 
They’ve all gone into the water! O, help, help, 
help! 

The Brown Hen 
What did I tell you ? 

The White Rooster 
I felt that some disaster was impending. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Rooster 
(Entering from R. 1st E.) 

The Speckled Hen’s whole family has committe3 
suicide. 




120 New Fangled Notions 


The Brown Rooster 
By what method? 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Rooster 
Suicide by drowning. 

All The Hens 

O-o-o-g! 

The Brown Hen 

I always knew that they were not right in their 
minds. 

(To The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen) 
This is what comes of trusting people with new 
fangled notions. 

The White Rooster 

Now, what have you got to say? It will soon be 
roosting time. One disaster follows another, and 
still you believe in the New Owner. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 

I hardly—know. I feel dazed. And yet—some¬ 
how, in spite of everything I have faith in the New 
Owner. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Rooster 

I think, my dear, you are really going too far. I 
am afraid you are too idealistic. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
(Bozving her head) 

Oh, don’t you lose faith. 




New Fangled Notions 121 


The Barred Plymouth Rock Rooster 

I feel sorry for you—but I feel that I must go over 
to the majority. 

(The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen bows 
her head and walks sadly toward R. U. E. The 
Barred Plymouth Rock Rooster joins the 
group of fowls who have now moved toward 
L. U.E. The White Rooster comes down 
C. prepared to make a speech.) 

The White Rooster 

In the face of this great calamity which has just 
befallen all of us— 

The Speckled Hen 
(Off stage at R. ist E.) 

It’s all right. Oh, what a fright I did get. Come 
this way, children, we must be going home. 

(She enters proudly, followed by the row of 
ducks, who appear to be scattering water from 
their wings as they cross the stage from R. ist 
E. to L. ist E. The Ancona Hens group 
with The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen and 
nod their heads approvingly. As they get well 
off the stage, The Barred Plymouth Rock 
Rooster comes to the center and crows.) 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Rooster 
Cock-a-doodle-doo. 


End of Act II 




ACT III 


Time : One Hour Later . 

Scene: Same as Acts I and II. 

As the curtain rises Liza enters L. U. E. looking 
backward uneasily as she comes. Presently The 
Gobbler looms into view, following her with stately 
tread. She attempts to reach the door, but he inter¬ 
cepts her. She moves toward R. 2nd E., he follows; 
she crosses back toward L. 1st E. } he follows, his 
wings trailing, his head sunk in, his whole manner 
and appearance suggesting an unpleasant dispo¬ 
sition. 

Liza 

Daddy! Daddy! 

Mr. Blossom 
(Off stage at L. U.E.) 

Yes, dear. What’s the matter? 

(His voice frightens The Gobbler, and he 
trots off R. U. E. without uttering a word.) 

Mr. Blossom 
(At door ) 

What’s the matter? 

Liza 

Oh, Daddy, that old Gobbler chases me all the time. 
Mr. Blossom 

My mind was so taken up with those little sick chick¬ 
ens that I did not get a chance to finish his cage until 
just now. Now I’ll attend to him. 

122 


New Fangled Notions 123 


Liza 

What are you going to do to him ? 

Mr. Blossom 

I’m going to shut him up until he learns how to con¬ 
trol his temper. 

Liza 

Is that like being sent to one’s room? 

Mr. Blossom 

Well—something like that—no one person should 
be allowed to disturb the peace of everybody else, 
you know. 

Liza 

Is that why you’re going to shut up the Shanghai 
Rooster, too? 

Mr. Blossom 

I’m going to shut him up because of his rudeness* 
His manners are shocking. 

Liza 

Daddy. 

Mr. Blossom 

Yes? 

Liza 

I’m never going to lose my temper, and I’m never 
going to be rude, and I’m never going to eat pie 
again. 

Mr. Blossom 

What is the cause for all these good resolutions? 




124 New Fangled Notions 


Liza 

Well, I’ve been observing things about this farm¬ 
yard, and I notice that the Shanghai Rooster and 
the Gobbler upset the tempers of everybody around 
them—and then—about the pie—I’ll never forget 
those chickens with the gapes. 

Mr. Blossom 

Well, I don’t trust that Shanghai Rooster nor the 
Gobbler either, and the sooner we make them be¬ 
have, the better. Come, we’ll get their pens ready. 
(They go into the house. In a moment, The 
Gobbler stretches forth his neck from behind 
the fence at R. U. E., and seeing that there is 
no one about, comes on, followed by The 
Shanghai Rooster.) 

The Gobbler 
So they don’t like us, eh? 

The Shanghai Rooster 
It appears not. 

The Gobbler 
Well, I don’t like them. 

The Shanghai Rooster 
Neither do I. 

The Gobbler 
What is your grievance? 




New Fangled Notions 


125 


The Shanghai Rooster 

Jealousy. I’m in love with the Barred Plymouth 
Rock Hen. 

The Gobbler 

Foolish. 

The Shanghai Rooster 

And she treats me with disdain, while she adores 
the ground the New Owner walks on. What’s 
yours? 

The Gobbler 

I know nothing whatever about sentiment—but on 
general principles I don’t like anybody. 

The Shanghai Rooster 

Ah, I see. 

The Gobbler 

And there are some things that I particularly dis¬ 
like. 

The Shanghai Rooster 
What, for instance? 

The Gobbler 

Red. I despise red. It infuriates me. 

The Shanghai Rooster 
(Trying to cover his red comb with his claw) 
I’ve noticed that. 

The Gobbler 

And that girl wears red all the time. 




126 New Fangled Notions 


The Shanghai Rooster 

(Taking his claw from his head , and looking 
relieved) 

So she does. I wouldn’t stand it, if I were you. 

The Gobbler 

I don’t intend to—if I can help it—but—but—did 
you hear him say he was going to put us in the lock¬ 
up? 

The Shanghai Rooster 
Oh, don’t use that vulgar word. 

The Gobbler 

Call it what you like. Are we going to submit to it ? 

The Shanghai Rooster 

No! We’ll join the cause of the White Rooster. 
We’ll start such a row in the farm-yard that the 
New Owner will forget to lock us up. 

(The Gander, followed by three Geese, all 
, walking the goose step, enter L. U . E. The 
Shanghai Rooster now puts on a good deal 
of manner to cover what he has just said,) 

Ah—how do you do—how do you do. 

The Gobbler 
( Gruffly) 

How do. How do. 




New Fangled Notions 127 


The Gander 

How do you do. 

The Geese 

( Meekly , after The Gander) 

How do you do. How do you do. 

The Shanghai Rooster 
Well, what’s the news? 

The Gander 

I’ve been looking at that fat, round table ever since. 
The Geese 

(All together, as they stretch their necks 
around.) 

We’ve been looking at that fat, round table ever 
since. 

The Gander 

I think I’ve solved the mystery. 

The Geese 

We think we’ve solved the mystery. 

The Shanghai Rooster 
Tell us about it. 

The Gander 

The New Owner thinks it will hatch out chickens, 
(The Shanghai Rooster laughs.) 




128 New Fangled Notions 


The White Rooster 
(Entering from R. 1st entrance) 

What’s all this mirth about. I don’t like it. 

The Gander 
(Ignoring him) 

Honor bright. I heard him telling his wife that he 
expected it to hatch out a whole swarm of chickens. 

The White Rooster 
What a calamity that would be. 

The Gander 

And I’ve got another piece of news. There isn’t 
an egg to be found anywhere about the place. 

The Shanghai Rooster 
What’s become of them. 

The Gander 

The New Owner gathers them all up and puts them 
in the round, fat table, and he believes that the table 
will hatch them out. 

The Brown Rooster 

{Who has entered R. 2nd E. and heard this 
last speech) 

And the Barred Plymouth Rock Hen believes it too. 




New Fangled Notions 129 


The Gander 

Well, it would take a good deal of faith to make 
me believe that a round, fat table can hatch out 
chickens. 

The Geese 

Well, it would take a good deal of— 

(They have started in to repeat what The 
Gander has said, hut by stretching out his neck 
on either side he silences them.) 

The Brown Rooster 

Well, I’ve got a sensible little wife who won’t believe 
any such nonsense as that. 

The Gobbler 

Ah—to be sure. We can count on her. 

The Shanghai Rooster 
And where is the Barred Plymouth Rock Hen now? 

The Gander 

She and the Barred Plymouth Rock Rooster are 
friends again. He is beginning to be won over to 
her side. 

The Shanghai Rooster 
{Putting his claws to his head) 

Oh, I shall go mad! I shall go mad! 

The Gobbler 

Are you going to stand this? She’ll laugh at you. 




130 New Fangled Notions 


The Shanghai Rooster 

Go, all of you! Make as much trouble as you can. 
Roosting hour is near. Time is flying. Shoo! 
G-r-r-r-r! 

(All the fowls flutter off stage L. U.E. with 
the exception of The Gobbler, The White 
Rooster and The Shanghai Rooster.) 

I’m in a terrible state of mind. She scorns me, and 
she must be cast down. What can we do? 

The Gobbler 
{Demoniacally) 

We can smash eggs. 

The Shanghai Rooster 
They’re all in the round fat table. 

The Gobbler 
(Still more demoniacally) 

We can gather some more gapeworms for those 
sick chickens. 

The Shanghai Rooster 
No! I refuse to do anything as mean as that. 

The Gobbler 

Well then, you intend to go over to the losing side? 

The Shanghai Rooster 
I’ll cake the losing side if I must. But never shall 




New Fangled Notions 131 


it be said that a little sick chicken was ever injured 
by a Shanghai Rooster! Cock-a-doodle-doo! 

{He exits proudly.) 

The White Rooster 
{Looking after him in consternation) 

He has deserted us. This is a great calamity. 

The Gobbler 

Ah, let him go. What do we care? 

The White Rooster 

But he may work against us, and our side may lose. 
The Gobbler 

We mustn’t lose. If we do, that girl with the red 
dress will always be around here. 

The White Rooster 
{Gloomily) 

But supposing those sick chickens should get better. 

The Gobbler 
They won’t—After / feed them. 

The White Rooster 

And supposing that fat, round table should hatch 
out chickens—where would we be? 





132 


New Fangled Notions 


The Gobbler 

Your job is to stay here and upset everybody’s faith 
in that fat, round table. Leave the sick chickens to 
me. It is almost roosting time. 

(With wings trailing, and stepping high, he 
marches off R. U.E. The Brown Rooster, 
Tcee Barred Plymouth Rock Rooster, 
The Gander and The Geese re-enter from 
L.U.E.) 

The Brown Rooster 

I wish the Shanghai Rooster wouldn’t behave like 
that. He made me nervous. 

The Gander 
Where has he gone? 

The Geese 
(All together) 

Where has he gone? 

The White Rooster 

Oh, never mind about him. He doesn’t count any¬ 
way. You must stand around and watch me upset 
the faith of all these foolish creatures. 

(The Two Ancona Hens come on from 
R. 2nd E.) 

Ah, here come some of the ladies now. We’re glad 
you’ve come. 

The First Ancona Hen 
Why are you glad? 




New Fangled Notions 133 


The White Rooster 

Because I want your support in the overthrow of 
this New Owner. 

The First Ancona Hen 
What do you want me to do? 

The White Rooster 

I want you to say in the presence of all here, that 
you do not believe that this round, fat table will 
hatch out chickens. 

The First Ancona Hen 
Why should I do that? 

The White Rooster 

Why, for one thing—to get even with him for all 
the changes he has made about the place—think of 
how badly you are treated. 

The First Ancona Hen 

On the contrary, I have never had such good care, 
nor have I ever been so happy in my life. 

(The White Rooster and his friends are 
astonished. The First Anacona Hen moves 
up C.) 

The White Rooster 
(To The Second Anacona Hen) 

Surely you don’t believe in the round fat table? 





134 New Fangled Notions 


The Second Anacona Hen 

I do believe in this round fat table. 

(More astonishment. She joins First Ancona 
Hen up C. The Speckled Hen enters 
L. ist E.) 

The White Rooster 

Ah, here is one who has suffered. Surely you can¬ 
not forgive the New Owner when you think of how 
he gave you those duck eggs to hatch out, and left 
you with those queer children to take care of. 

The Speckled Hen 

Queer children? I adore them. They are a little 
troublesome, but I love them, and I’m proud of 
them. 

The White Rooster 

Dear me. 

(The Speckled Hen joins The Ancona 
Hens up C. or R. C. The Brown Hen enters 
L. U. E. Her whole manner is changed, and 
she seems quiet and gentle.) 

Ah, here is one we can count on. She has always 
been noted for her good sense. 

The Brown Hen 

What is it you wish me to do. 

(All the attention is now centered on The 
Brown Hen.) 




New Fangled Notions 135 


The White Rooster 

To declare that you do not approve of any of the 
changes that have been made, and that you do not 
believe that this round, fat table will hatch out 
chickens. 

The Brown Hen 

Certainly it will hatch out chickens. 

(The Roosters and Gander start back in 
astonishment. The Brown Hen joins the 
group up C.) 

The Fawn-Colored Dorking Hen 
(Entering from R. 2nd E.) 

Is there any news of my children — has anyone 
heard? 

The White Rooster 

Madam, I am afraid you will never see your chil¬ 
dren again. 

The Fawn-Colored Dorking Hen 

Why? 

The White Rooster 

I have reason to believe that they will never recover. 
I fear they are dead. 

The Fawn-Colord Dorking Hen 
{Without being in the least disturbed) 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen told me that they 
would recover, and until I hear from her lips that 
they are dead, I shall have faith. 




136 New Fangled Notions 


The White Rooster 

Wait till you hear what the Gobbler has to say. 

The Fawn-Colord Dorking Hen 

Wait till we hear what the Barred Plymouth Rock 
Hen has to say. 

(A ray of amber light t as of sunset, falls across 
the stage.) 

All the Fowls 

It is sunset! 

The White Rooster 
It is roosting time! 

(The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen appears 
atL.U.E.) 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
And we have won! 


All the Hens 

Our leader! ,N 

The White Rooster 

Stop! You call her your leader and she has proved 
nothing. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
(Coming C.) 

Have you not seen that everything about the place 
has been improved. Are we not healthier, and bet¬ 
ter cared for? 




New Fangled Notions 137 


The White Rooster 

But where are the sick chickens? Answer me that. 
(The Gobbler enters dejectedly R. U. E., and 
thinking this last speech is directed to him an¬ 
swers. ) 

The Gobbler 

I couldn’t find them anywhere. 

The White Rooster 
This is getting serious. 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
Here they are. 

(From L.U.E come running on The Two 
Little Chickens now completely cured. They 
join their mother joyously.) 

The White Rooster 
{After viewing them in astonishment) 

Ah, but still, there is the round, fat table. You said 
it would hatch out chickens. Where are they? 
Ha, ha! 

The Barred Plymouth Rock Rooster 

{IVho has remained up R. to The Barred 
Plymouth Rock Hen) 

Come, dear, don’t you think you better admit that 
it can’t be done. I have faith in you, but really, 
you know this round, fat table business is ridiculous. 






138 New Fangled Notions 


The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 

Now we will put it to the test. All who believe with 
me, stand on my right side. 

(All the Hens cluster on her right side.) 

All who do not believe in me, in the New Owner, 
and in progress, stand at my left side. 

(The Gobbler is the first to move to her left 
side. He is followed by The Gander, and 
The Geese sway their necks uncertainly , not 
knowing which side to take. The Roosters 
range at the left of the Barred Plymouth 
Rock Hen.) 

The White Rooster 
(Observing the sunlight) 

It is one minute of roosting time, and nothing has 
been heard of the round, fat table. In another 
minute I shall be cock of the walk. 

(There is heard off stage at L. U. E. a “cheep¬ 
ing.” The Roosters, in consternation , move 
further toward L. and The Hens move toward 
R. as they look back , listening to the strange 
sound. The Barred Plymouth Rock Hen 
moves further up C. Presently two rows of 
little fuzzy chickens enter L. U. E. and march 
down center of stage. As they are in position 
standing in two rows, facing each other , Liza 
opens the door L. 2nd E.) 




New Fangled Notions 139 


Liza 

Oh, Mother and Daddy, come out, the incubator 
chickens are here. They’re all walking now. 

(Mr. and Mrs. Blossom come to doorway . 
The Fowls all take partners and begin a sim ¬ 
ple little dance step . The Gobbler is the last 
to yield , but the music of the dance is too much 
for him , and after some preliminary stomping 
of one foot , he moves into line , and is joined by 
Liza, who dances . off with him as the curtain 
drops .) 


The End. 




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